Due Date

August 13 was a day that we looked forward to more than any other. I remember looking forward to our wedding day with the same kind of excitement and anticipation. When we discovered that we were expecting a baby one of the first things we did was found out the due date. He or she was to be born on August 13. I know that statistically not many babies are born on their actual due date. Most of them are born a few days before or a few days after but we knew that our baby would be coming and August 13 was the day we were looking forward to.

Today is August 13 but our baby is not coming. She won’t be making her big entrance today. She won’t be taking her first breath today. We won’t be hearing her first cries today. We won’t be holding her in her first few moments of life today. We won’t get to kiss her today. We won’t get to hug her today. We won’t get to look at her beautiful little face today. We won’t get to swaddle her in a little blanket today. We won’t get to tell the nurses what we named her today. Dave won’t get to walk into a waiting room full of anxious family and friends to announce the arrival of our baby girl today. Abigail won’t be coming today. 

I have dreaded today. I just wasn’t sure how I would handle it. I knew it would be sad. I knew it would be hard and I simply didn’t want the day to come. I kept thinking of all the things I could do today that would make it easier. I could go to my favorite coffee shop and spend some time there. I could gather up some friends and go shopping. I could go hiking. I thought of countless things that really wouldn’t have helped ease the pain. I decided that I want to spend today praising my Heavenly Father and remembering Abigail. I want to honor Him as I honor her. 

To begin this due date I wanted to share a few of my journal entries. The first is an entry I wrote the night we found out that we were expecting a baby:

“Father, 

Thank you so much for the blessing of our baby. I am overwhelmed. I am excited, nervous, overjoyed, and terrified all at once.

You are so good God. I am in awe. You reminded me over and over these past few weeks of Psalm 37:4. You did just that. You showed me the desire of my heart and you have provided. 

What a gift Father. I am speechless and yet have so many words to say. We are so undeserving but so thankful. Thank you for hearing our prayer. We are overjoyed. You are so good. 

Help us trust you and hand everything to you. I’m so nervous about a lot of things but I desire to trust in you and your love. Please provide a healthy pregnancy and please protect our baby. Help him or her grow and be healthy. Help me and Dave to trust you in the middle of all the changes and excitement. Help us to be wise in all the decisions that will need to be made. Take our hands and lead us. You are so good.

I am humbled that you would consider us worthy to be a mother and father to the child you have created. It is incredible that you are knitting our baby together in my womb right now. I love you Lord and I am overwhelmed.”

This second entry is a letter I wrote to Abigail the night we found out about her:

“ We found out about you right before midnight. Daddy and I could not wait to take the pregnancy test to see if you might be here. So we took it late at night. We waited anxiously. We so hoped God would bless us with a baby but we wanted to be content with whatever His will might be. We got ready for bed and then checked the test together.

I grabbed it from the side of the tub and put my hand over the results window. I looked at your father and said, “Are you ready?” He nodded and I removed my hand. The test said PREGNANT!

We were shocked and excited. We held each other and laughed with excitement. We were both in disbelief. It was something we wanted to so badly but it seemed surreal, too good to be true. 

I will never forget the look on your dad’s face. He was ecstatic. He gasped in surprise. He has wanted you for a long time, we both have. We stayed up until 2:00 dreaming about you. We talked about you, your due date, how we would tell your grandparents and others. We read through some books on pregnancy to get prepared. 

We prayed and thanked God for His gift. We are so humbled to be chosen to be your mother and father. There’s no greater calling. We are so blessed.  We know that there are lots of changes and unknowns ahead but we know that God is in control, that He is provider, protector, faithful, and always near. We are putting our trust in him and his promises. He is knitting you together right now and we are in awe.” 

The third entry is what I wrote the night we learned that we had lost our baby:

“You were gone almost as quickly as you came sweet baby. We found out today that you had gone to be with Jesus. We really miss you baby but we know that Jesus is holding you in His arms. You were just too special for Earth. He wanted to keep you for the splendor of Heaven.

I long to see you, to hold you, to rock you. I long to love you and teach you so many things. We are separated only by the veil of Heaven and I can’t wait to see you one day. In the mean time know that Mommy and Daddy love you very, very much. 

You are very special to us sweet baby. We won’t forget you and we will never stop loving you. Mommy wants to give you hugs and kisses and tell you how wonderful you are. Until I can be there to do that I will pray that Jesus will do it for me.

Mommy loves you little baby and she always will. We will miss you and long to be with you.

Loving you from this side of Heaven,

Your Mommy”

The fourth entry was just some of my thoughts and heart cries to the Father that night:

“I was a mother for a brief time. I dreamed of holding my precious baby. I loved deeply and now I hurt deeply because she is gone. 

I rejoice because she is with Jesus but I mourn because she is not here with me. I know He is rejoicing over our little miracle but I miss her so badly and want to tell her how much her mommy loves her. 

Jesus, I really need you right now. I know you are faithful God. I know you are near. I know you love me.”

So, August 13 does not mean what it once meant to us. It does not hold the same joy and excitement that it did back then. But August 13 will always be a special day to me. I will always remember that my  precious Abigail was to be born this day but that her real birthday is December 11 when she went to be with Jesus.

So while I won’t be giving birth to Abigail today I still want to treat this day as a due date. I want to give the honor, praise, and thanks that is due my Heavenly Father. I know that He knows what He is doing and that He has a great plan. I know that He loves me and has never let me go. I know that He is taking care of my little Abigail until I get there. I also want to give the honor and remembrance that is due my little girl. She may have only lived a few short weeks but she made a lasting impact on her mommy and daddy. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of Abigail. She drew us closer to each other and closer to the Father. She is making us a better mother and father for her future brothers and sisters. She changed our lives. 

So, today is August 13 but our baby is not coming. She won’t be making her big entrance today. She won’t be taking her first breath today. We won’t be hearing her first cries today. We won’t be holding her in her first few moments of life. We won’t get to kiss her today. We won’t get to hug her today. We won’t get to look at her beautiful little face today. We won’t get to swaddle her in a little blanket today. We won’t get to tell the nurses what we named her today. Dave won’t get to walk into a waiting room full of anxious family and friends to announce the arrival of our baby girl today. Abigail won’t be coming today…because she is already home.