Today is August 13. If you follow my blog you will remember
reading a post on this day last year. Our little girl who was welcomed into
heaven after only a few weeks in utero was due on this day. I know that
statistically not that many babies are born on their actual due date but to a
mommy and daddy who had so very few memories with their baby girl, this day is
special.
It was a day that we looked forward to in the
brief weeks that we knew of her life. It's amazing how much one can
envision in so little time. I could see her face, feel her tiny little hands
and feet, picture the pretty pinks and purples of her nursery, hear her sweet
laugh, and see her Daddy beaming with pride. All that in an instant. I could
see her learning to crawl, walk, talk, and grow as I thought longer about her
life.
I'm still amazed at how fast and how deeply
I fell in love with that little girl in the brief time she was with us. And
almost as quickly as she came she went. She went home. She went to be with our
Father who I know is still rejoicing over her and will be throughout eternity.
She went back to her Maker. But she didn't go without leaving a mark, a legacy
in our lives and in our family.
Our little Abigail shaped our lives and
the lives of many others. She taught us about trust, faith, what it means to
suffer and rely on God for the strength to get out of bed. She taught this mama
how deeply she could love. She taught us about the depth of God’s love. She
taught us about healing, about intimacy with the God of all comfort. She brought
me closer to God than I had been in a long time. She brought me to my knees and
to His arms. I spend a lot of time there, on my knees and in His arms, but this
was different. This time was spent out of absolute surrender, the way it should
always be spent. But I must admit, many times that I am on my knees I am not
coming in absolute surrender. Abigail taught me what that looked like, what it
meant to completely empty yourself before the Father and receive the warmth and
comfort of His healing embrace. Those are valuable lessons I won’t soon forget.
Abigail shaped my life in a new direction of ministry. I have been
able to comfort and encourage many other women and couples who have gone
through the devastating loss of a miscarriage. Without the impact she left on
our lives I would not have been able to empathize and understand the kind of
pain these other mommies and daddies with empty arms were experiencing.
And possibly the most monumental way that Abigail shaped our lives
was through the path she set on us toward adoption which eventually led us to
her precious little brother, Ben. As I have mentioned, we had always planned to
adopt at some point but just assumed it would be later in life after we had
biological children. When Abigail passed I immediately begin thinking that
maybe we were meant to adopt sooner than later. That maybe this was one way God
would use this tragic loss for good. That the loss of her life would breathe
life for another one of God’s children. Just 8 months after she went to be with
the Father we filled out our first piece of adoption paperwork. And now, one
year later from that first piece of paperwork we have a bouncing 6 month old
bundle.
As Dave and I were talking about how much we miss that little girl
that we never got to hold, we were amazed when we thought about the time line
that God has orchestrated in our lives over the last year. Abigail would have
been one year old today. We would be celebrating with a party, balloons, cake,
and no doubt, lots of pink. But we are not throwing that party. While there is
still a great void in my heart and a hole that I think only she can fill, the
pain does feel different. Maybe it’s because I am busy embracing every second
with this baby boy that my mind hasn’t wandered to the what ifs and how comes?
So, August 13 does mark what was to be our little girls first
birthday but it also marks our little guy’s 6 month half birthday. It is crazy
to me to think that she would have been one today and that he is 6 months old
on that same day. God has done so much in our lives since we first saw that white
stick that said PREGNANT and soon after heard the devastating words telling us
that she had gone to be with Christ.
While I wouldn’t trade the lessons I have learned and the place we
are in right now, I would still love to hug and kiss that baby girl. I know I
will one day but for now I pray that our Heavenly Father threw her a great big
party complete with cake and balloons and lots of hugs and kisses to hold her
over until Mommy and Daddy get there.
Abigail, you changed our lives forever. Your baby brother Ben is
such a joy and a delight. We know that God used you to bring him into our
family and for that we are forever grateful.
This is not at all how I envisioned my life. These were not my
plans. This isn’t the way Dave and I spoke about how things might be as we grew
older together. There has been much heartache, much pain, much waiting, and so,
so much joy and healing. This is not the way I planned it but I am so glad God
ruined my plans. Happy First Birthday little girl!
