I have experienced the freedom of God many times in my life. I can remember feeling His presence in moments that I didn’t have any strength left. I can remember feeling His presence in moments of strength as well, but I felt his presence stronger and closer this past week than I have in a very long time. Actually, I’m not sure that is accurate. I should say that God allowed me to be present enough to Him and to myself, through His Spirit, to recognize His power and His presence.
As I have mentioned before I serve as an Associate Minister for the Baptist Campus Ministries at a University. I really love my job and I am so thankful for the opportunities I get to watch God work all around me in students’ lives. This past week I had the great privilege and opportunity to lead a team of students across Kentucky on a spring break mission trip. The University I work at is in Kentucky and I desired to expose the students to the needs of people in this state, to the brokenness that is within a few hours of their campus.
I would like to share a little bit about the week and the ways that God impacted my life. I always start these mission weeks with anxiety. I know Scripture says to not worry, to trust God and lean not on our own understanding, to cast our cares on Him, to not be anxious about anything, etc. I am not so good at following those commands most days. I was so anxious about how the team of students would get along. I worried that we wouldn’t have enough things to do at each location. I desire so much for the students to have a great experience of growth and I worried that that wouldn’t happen.
As always, God was more than faithful. From the moment our trip started I felt God whispering, “Magan, why did you doubt me? You know you can trust me. I will keep proving myself to you over and over, as many times as you need. I will never let you down. I will never let you go. I am always in control and I always have a hope and a future planned for you. Just trust me.” He whispered that in my ear several times throughout our week.
We started our week at the Galilean Children’s Home. We arrived Sunday night in time to plan and do some team building activities. We were serving alongside a group of 40 Amish people, which was a really neat experience. We started our trip singing hymns around a campfire with the other volunteers. As we served with them we all admired their simplicity, their hard work, their gentleness, and their focus on God.
On Monday we served in what the Home calls the Angel House. They take care of babies and toddlers of mothers who are in jail. It is part of what they call the Born Free Ministry. The founder of the home actually gets partial custody of the babies until the mothers are out of jail and able to take care of them. We spent our time there holding babies, rocking babies, feeding babies, changing babies, and falling in love with babies. I was worried that my vulnerable heart would not be able to take it. I was worried that I would be too emotional to even serve in that capacity but God was so very present. His Spirit was over me. I was able to love on all of those babies in strength. I did not have one moment of sadness or disappointment. It did affirm my desire to be a mother one day but I was not upset. I actually felt supernaturally empowered to stand in the gap for some mothers who couldn’t be there at that moment.
I spent my time playing with them, holding them, singing to them, and telling them how precious they were to me and to God. It was such a joy to be able to nurture, to mother, even if it was only for a few days. It felt right and it was obviously the Spirit of God loving through me. In my own flesh I would have been sad and angry but through Him I was present and strong. It was an incredible experience.
We also served in a place the Home calls the Blessing House. This is a home for severely mentally and physically handicapped adults. Many of them were unable to walk, talk, or even feed themselves. Many of them required 24 hour supervision and help. God was very present here as well. Our team was given the special assignment to take care of two residents in particular. I won’t reveal their names for privacy issues but they taught me a lot. We walked all over the campus with these two residents. One was a very strong man in his thirties that could not speak but he knew a few signs. He absolutely loved coffee and wanted to walk to a shop on the campus where he knew he could get coffee. We were instructed not to let him drink too much of it so we had to struggle to keep him from wondering that way. When I say struggle, I really mean that. It was physically taxing to turn him in the other direction. Many times after we would point him back to the blessing house he would throw himself on the ground and start yelling. He just wanted coffee. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do. He just wanted his way. I would normally be tempted to get frustrated but the Spirit quickly gave the strength and peace I needed to simply have compassion on Him. I also very much related to Him. I think I often throw myself on the ground and start yelling when I don’t get what I want too. I may not physically act out in that way but inside I am frustrated and question the direction God is taking me in.
The other resident we walked with was so sweet. He was a 17 year old that had most of his physical capabilities but had the mentality of a very young child. He didn’t say much but he loved to sing. I was so blessed at the end of our first day when He held my hand and looked me in the eyes and said, “Fun day, fun day!” His joy was a great picture of the joy only God can give. It encouraged me to be thankful and to be joyful.
We also met many other sweet residents that will leave an impression on my heart for many years to come. I was constantly reminded of the Psalm 145:9 which says, “The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” While I don’t understand why He would allow such handicaps, I know He is in control and He has a great plan for His glory.
We served at the Galilean Children’s Home for 2 days and then we headed out to serve with a ministry called Refuge for Women early Wednesday morning. This ministry has only been established for 2 years but God has already done miracles through it. It is a safe house and rehabilitation ministry for women coming out of the adult entertainment industry. As we began serving we worked at the office doing some mail outs and office work. One of the staff members shared with us a power point presentation she was preparing to share with a high school the next day. The power point explained the ministry of the Refuge but it also exposed the darkness of the adult entertainment industry with a particular focus on pornography.
The statistics were startling. As she explained further my heart just broke. She informed us that many porn stars are drugged and beaten before they go on camera and that many of them are being forced to do what they do. I had served at the Refuge this time last year and heard the founder share his heart about shining light into this brokenness and I will never forget something he said. I think it shines a whole new light on this issue for those who suffer with these addictions. He said every time you click on those images or watch those videos you are supporting the abuse of those women. It is as if you are saying that it is okay to beat them, drug them, and make them do whatever you want.
After we were more informed about the statistics and how the ministry works we headed out to the house to meet the current residents. We ate dinner with them and got to hear their stories. It was heart breaking to hear them share. It is unbelievable what a human being will do to another human being. My heart broke for them. I was angry on their behalf. I wanted nothing more than for them to claim the truth of who they are in Christ and receive His forgiveness, His grace, and be freed from all shame. As I looked into their beautiful faces I saw their desire to be known for who they are not for what they have done.
We met a few women that had just gotten there and a few women who had been there for months. It was incredible to see the difference God had made in the women’s lives in just a few months. Many of the women had accepted Christ and started completely changing their lives. Many of them were working now in a healthy, steady job. One woman, who was actually a former porn star, was now traveling with the staff sharing her testimony as they shared about the ministry. She said that she hoped her story would shatter people’s image of pornography and make them turn from their addictions. I guarantee after hearing her story of devastation and darkness someone with this type of addiction couldn’t walk away unchanged or unmoved. It was incredible to see how God had radically transformed many of their lives just in a few short months. Our God is incredible.
It was eye opening and humbling to sit across the table from a women who still had fresh bruises that her pimp had given her just days before. I kept thinking that this is exactly where Jesus would be. He came to heal the sick. He spent His time with tax collectors and prostitutes, how can we live our lives any differently?
The next day we spent almost ten hours painting the hallway, kitchen, porch, and stairwell of the house. The women were out on a day trip while we painted so it was a great way for us to serve them. We worked really hard that day. I hadn’t done that much physical labor in a while and it felt great. God was very present with our whole team. We worked straight through with only a lunch break and everyone seemed full of joy. I didn’t hear a single complaint and the team really came together to help each other get the job done and done well. Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,” kept coming to my heart. It was a very fun and rewarding day. We also got to see the expressions on the women’s faces when they came home. They were humbled and honored that we would take the time to beautify their home. To me it was symbolic of what God is doing in each of their lives. He is beautifying them. He is taking the old and turning it into new. He is making something incredible out of their brokenness and it is beautiful to watch.
That evening we headed to Salyersville, KY to serve with the Christian Appalachian Project in disaster relief. Tornadoes hit the area just a few weeks before and devastated a huge part of the town. This was the first time I had ever witnessed the destruction of a tornado in person. I have seen pictures and videos on television but this was very different. We were standing in the middle of the shattered remains of people’s homes. There was nothing left. There was so much damage and so much debris and what used to be houses were totally unrecognizable.
We started bright and early on Friday morning cleaning up debris. We got to meet many of the people and families whose houses we were picking up piece by piece. When we first arrived on the site I was overwhelmed. It just seemed so surreal. So unbelievable that this could have really happened that weather could destroy everything. That one minute these people were sitting in their homes with all their belongings safe and secure and the next minute they had lost everything. It was heart wrenching.
We went to work clearing wood, metal, and personal belongings. The students did a great job of working together to get the task done. At first it seemed like such a monumental thing but by the end of the day we had really made a lot of progress.
We cleaned two different areas and got to meet several people as we worked. We worked hard and long clearing what was left of these homes. I was working alongside one of the students clearing a certain area. We kept finding dishes and cabinet drawers so we were sure that we were cleaning the kitchen. After several minutes of sifting through the debris we realized we were actually standing on the kitchen ceiling. It was just unreal the power of that tornado to rip a roof right off of its foundation, whirl it around, and smack it down on its backside.
After several hours of clearing I was asked by our site director, who sported some pretty awesome dreds by the way, if I would grab a female student and talk with a man who lived in one of the houses we were clearing. He told me he was in trauma and could barely put a sentence together. He introduced us and this man who stumbled over his words with his eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t understand much but I heard him say that he wanted us to go into the remains of his house and search for pictures and his wife’s jewelry. He said he couldn’t bring himself to go in but that he really wanted to save anything he could.
We gladly walked in this house that was in complete shambles. The rooms were unrecognizable and everything was demolished. We turned over mattresses, doors, etc. in search of pictures or anything of value. Fortunately, we found enough stuff to fill two totes. As we were cleaning the man walked in. He looked around utterly devastated and asked us if we were finding anything. We replied and then simply listened. I did not want to pry but I was eager to hear him share his story as I know it is such a huge part of healing. He stood in what was the kitchen and pointed to a spot near the bedroom door. He said, “We were right here. It was me and the boy. I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee and then I looked up and here it was. I grabbed the boy and we tried to push through this door but it wouldn’t open.” Tears streamed down his face as he spoke. He trembled as he directed us to the spots he remembered. Our eyes were filled with tears too. It was so hard to hear the devastation in his voice. It was so hard to imagine a tornado swirling right over top of you.
What amazes me is that nothing was left in that house, not even the refrigerator or the stove. The tornado had picked up everything and thrown it across the site we were now cleaning. But God kept this man and his grandson safe. They were literally right in the middle of the storm and they were physically unharmed. I simply can’t imagine the terror or the fear. I pray that when he has recovered from some of the initial shock he will be able to see that God miraculously spared his life. I pray that he will be able to take hold of the truth that he has great purpose and great value in the Lord.
We heard many stories those few days and looked in the eyes of people who had just lost everything, who were suffering severe physical pain due to injuries caused by the demolition of the tornados.
This was not the first time throughout our week that I asked the question why, that I looked up and confessed to God that I didn’t understand. I knew in the middle of all the brokenness, whether it was an orphan, a woman who had been brutalized by her sex trafficker, or a regular person who had just lost everything, that God was in control and that He was sovereign. I knew that and I reminded myself of that often throughout our week but I still questioned why. I feel like every time I asked that question God responded to my heart, “I love you, I love them, I see all the evil, I see the devastation, nothing happens that I don’t see, I am good, I am loving, I am merciful, I am in control, and Magan, remember that I AM.”
It was very clear that God had placed me on this trip for many, many reasons. Even as I type I am reminded of another lesson I learned or a truth I realized. However, the biggest lesson, or maybe I should phrase it as the most reoccurring lesson, was that God is in control and that I am not. I often wonder if God gets tired of teaching me the same lesson over and over. Then I remember His grace and His patience. From the anxiety of planning the trip to looking in the eyes of a woman who has experienced such pain and heartache due to sexual sin, God kept speaking loud and clear, “I am in control. I will work all things for good. I am making beautiful things out of this mess.”
I am in awe of how the Spirit moved in me and in our whole team. I felt supernaturally gifted to do everything we did that week. By the Spirit I was able to hold a precious baby and not feel sadness or anger related to our loss. I only felt joy and privilege to nurture them for even a few days. By the Spirit I was able to listen to multiple stories from ex-strippers, ex-prostitutes, and ex-porn stars and feel nothing but compassion and love for them. By the Spirit I was able to stand in the middle of destruction and do hard work for long hours and still fill energized and full of joy. By the Spirit I was able to sleep only 5 hours a night and feel like I had slept for 10. By the Spirit I was able to lead these incredible students as they served so selflessly. By the Spirit, we were all able to encounter darkness, hardship, and destruction yet come away hopeful, joyful, and more aware of God’s presence. Only God can do those things. I love those moments that it is absolutely undeniable that the work that was done, or the words that were spoken, or the experiences that were shared were from the Spirit of God.
One experience that I would be remise if I didn’t mention was an awesome conversation we were able to have with one of our site directors that did not know Christ. At first we weren’t sure if he was a Christian or not. He said many things that would make us think he was and then he would say something that made it pretty clear he wasn’t. God opened a door for me to share with him actually by his own initiative. We were taking a water break and he started talking about how one of the men who donated some equipment had invited him to church and that he was going to go. He said it would be the first time he had been to church in over 10 years. We talked a long time about the church environment that he grew up in and his assumptions about Christ and Christianity as they were based on what he was taught there. The Spirit enabled me to clear up some pretty big misconceptions he had. He then asked me, “What should I read?” I asked him if he meant any books in general or part of the Bible. He said, “From the Bible, what should I read in the Bible?” I was amazed at the way the Spirit was drawing him. I am often scared to boldly share my faith and just strike up a conversation about the gospel but the Spirit was doing all the work (like He always does if I will get out of the way long enough for Him to move in). I suggested he read the gospel of John. I told him a little bit about it and he seemed really excited. Then we talked about a few people in the Bible and the truth of the gospel. He seemed to really get it. He told me as we finished our conversation that in just the few short days he had spent working with our team he could see that we were different. Not just different from everybody but different from the image of church people he had in his mind. He said, “You guys really seem to be out here because you love God and love people not because you are checking off some list of things you have to do to be a Christian.”
I asked him what made him give up his time, and actually his job, to come volunteer here. He was from a state up North and required a really long drive. I was intrigued to know what led him here. He said, “I just really love people and want to help in any way I can. I can’t stand to watch another person suffer. I just have to do something about it.” I told him that I believed that that was the image of God inside of him. I explained to him that we were all made in the image of God and that his love for others reflected God’s love. His simple reply was, “For real?” It was apparent that was the first time he had ever heard that or even thought of that.
Before we left, one of our students graciously gave him her Bible. He was blown away. He kept telling us how appreciative he was and how it would come in handy during his down time. I pray that the words of the gospel of John come alive to him and that he will discover the truth of the Gospel and the truth that God loves him enough to send His Son to die for him. I pray that the Spirit keeps drawing him and that he will give his life to Christ. He will be a powerful force for the Kingdom with all the love that is already in his heart.
It was stretching and such a good learning experience to serve in three very different ministries. We started our week working with an Amish community that when asked about their beliefs said something to the effect of, “It’s really all about Jesus and His love. The Amish lifestyle is just a choice we make. We live for Christ.” We ended our week with a site director who had long dreds, gauged ears, and often had a cigarette in his hand. He considered himself a nomadic missionary. In one of his prayers during our time there he said, “Lord, use this devastation to bring this community together. It doesn’t matter what denomination we are. It doesn’t matter what church we attend. God you are the only thing that matters.” It was an incredible reminder that we often make judgments based on appearances, that we often separate ourselves based on a denominational label. It was such a great reminder that none of that matters. That all that matters is Christ.
One very good but very hard part of the mission was the reality that in order to connect with or have compassion for another person’s brokenness you have to come face to face with your own. That is messy work. That is hard work. It is often a work that I don’t want to do. I put it off or push it aside but this week that wasn’t an option. If I was going to be able to have mercy and compassion for these people I had to face my own brokenness. I had to let the Father clean out some wounds. He did a lot of work in my heart that week. He reminded me of areas He has healed and revealed new areas that need healing. I am confident that He used the recent pain we experienced through losing Abigail to bring me to a place that I am comfortable (well, at least willing) to face my pains and hurts. He moved in some pretty incredible ways in healing some of my brokenness.
One area that He brought some healing to is my view of men. I grew up in a home with a very distant father. When he was there he was emotionally and verbally abusive, but never present to us. He didn’t tell me that he loved me. He didn’t protect me. He didn’t provide for me. He didn’t make my home safe. In fact he made it a scary place, a very unstable place. Because of this I have a hard time trusting men. I have a hard time not judging them based on his mistakes. I have also experienced sexual assault in my past which only added to the fear of and lack of trust in men. In fact, I often battle not respecting men in general.
There are certainly some great exceptions to that in my life. I very much trust Dave. He has been nothing but loving, protecting, and a strong rock for me. He constantly shows me Christ’s love and goes out of his way to lead and serve me. His love is a great picture of the love Christ has for the church. I also very much trust my boss who I really consider a spiritual father. And I very much trust our campus ministries missionary who has become more like a brother than a co-worker. These men have shown me that there are men that love God, that will stand up and be a man after His own heart, and that will take care of and respect women in healthy, appropriate ways. They are not the only three men who have served as great examples of this but they are the ones that I spend a lot of time with so I watch the Lord work through them daily.
As I served alongside many different men doing many different ministries this week God started to break down some of the wall I had built up toward men. While I know it’s wise to be cautious and not trust every single person I tend to build a wall before I even know if the man is a safe man and I tend to keep that wall up until they prove themselves. God showed me over and over the importance of men and the power of men and women working together in all types of ministry.
As we served in the Angel House with the babies it was incredible to watch the babies interact with the two men on our team. I watched as a precious baby girl simply wanted to be held next to our missionary’s chest. She just wanted him to hold her. He thought he was rocking her to sleep but she was fighting it. I think she was struggling to stay awake so she could soak in what it felt like to be in a man’s arms. One of the workers said that this may be the first time a man has ever held her. All of the workers in that house are women. All of their volunteers are women. Of course women are important. Of course those babies need a woman’s loving touch but they also need a man’s strong but gentle touch. It was awesome to watch God use the men on our team to be a fatherly touch even if it was only for a few days.
I was also reminded of the power of a godly man as we served at the Refuge for women. Naturally our two men were a little anxious about serving alongside these women who had just recently been brutalized by men. But it was incredible. It was so needed. Those women needed to see healthy, godly men that cared for them in a very appropriate, Christ-like way. The founder of the ministry is actually a man and I remember him sharing his story with our team last year about how he was nervous when God first called him to this because he was unsure of how to relate to the women. But it is very apparent that God has calmed those fears and used him in an incredible way to be part of the women’s healing. He is so kind to them and even though he is not much older than most of them he is very fatherly to them. He has been a teacher to them and represents a safe male. Our men got the chance to do that for a few days too. They got the opportunity to hear the women’s stories and look back with acceptance and compassion. That means something different to these women than that same look from another woman.
As we moved on to clean up debris I was reminded of how needed men are. While we had some pretty strong women on our team there were some parts of the debris that were simply impossible for us to move. It was comforting to know that we could shout across the way and help would come running. I think that is a beautiful picture of what God intended when He created man with the desire to protect and provide and created woman with the desire to be protected and provided for. When both are focused on Christ and keeping Him the center of everything, it just works. Ephesians 5:21 sums that up really well, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
It takes both and it takes both in a lot more areas than we think. I was reminded of how incredibly blessed I am to be married to such a wonderful man of God. He strives to love me like Christ loves the church. I realized how much God has used him as a part of my healing as well. Every day that we grow closer together and fall more in love God reminds me of how important David is and how important all men are. I am convinced that the role of a husband and father is the most important role in our society. When a man is able to do what God has called him to do as a husband and father it just works. When a man is following Christ and leading well, the wife and mother’s job is easy. Who wouldn’t want to follow the leadership of a man who is following hard after Christ? I just pray that men can begin to see how important they are and that God will continue to heal me and help me trust and respect the men he places in my life.
This was definitely not the lesson I was expecting to learn or the part of my brokenness I was expecting to deal with but I am very thankful to the Father for his healing touch. He knows exactly what we need when we need it.
As we ministered together I encouraged our team to remain present to where they were at that moment. Because we served at so many different locations doing so many different things I knew it would be easy to get distracted thinking about the next thing on our agenda so I challenged us all to be present. One of my favorite authors is Elisabeth Elliot. Her husband was the missionary, Jim Elliot. One of his famous quotes is, “wherever you are be all there.” I love that and we spent the week striving to that. In our daily walks with the Lord it is so important to be present to Him, to ourselves, and to others. In reality, if we are not present to God we really can’t be present to ourselves and much less present to another person. It is so important that we remain in Him and present with Him every day. As our week progressed I heard teammates spurring other teammates on by simply saying, “Be present,” I sort of wish I had someone telling me that every hour or every 30 minutes throughout my day. It’s a reminder I need very often. This mission experience taught me how to do that a little better. Through the Spirit I was able to remain present throughout the week and I know that He gives me the strength and ability every day to be present I simply have to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and receive all that He has for me.
I could keep writing pages more about my experiences over this mission week, but as I have already written several I will bring it to a close. I am proud of the students and our semester missionary. They did an incredible job of being present and letting the Lord use them in powerful ways. They were also very open with each other about their own brokenness and shared their life stories in a very authentic way. I am thankful for the ways they encouraged each other and myself. I am thankful for an opportunity to serve alongside some really great people. I am also thankful for all the fun we had. We did a lot of ministry and we worked really hard but we also had a lot of fun. Those memories will always have a special place in my heart. There is nothing sweeter than serving with brothers and sisters whose minds are fixed on Christ.
As we all came face to face with our own brokenness and as we faced the brokenness of many others one verse kept playing through my heart, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom,” 2 Corinthians 3:17. We are meant to walk in freedom. Christ died for our freedom. He died to set us free so we should be living like we are free, not bound by our wounds, our hurts, our shame, our fear, our sadness, or anything else. The Spirit of the Lord resides inside every believer and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom so freedom, the freedom Christ has already died to give you, is right inside of you. Be present to the Lord, to yourself, and to others. Through this you will be able to face your brokenness and you will be able to take hold of the freedom Christ has already offered you.
