Remembering

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I have spent most of this month remembering. Remembering my precious baby girl, remembering those friends of ours who have babies waiting for them in heaven too, and remembering the strangers that have been so kind to share their stories of loss with us as we have journeyed down this road.

In all of this remembering there is a lot of pain. There are moments that I so vividly remember the heartbreak of finding out that Abigail had gone to be with the Lord that it feels like the news just came yesterday. There are moments that I play back over in my mind, without meaning to, that stir up that pain and hurt again. Moments that the wound feels so open and raw like it just happened all over again. Moments that bring my day to a halt as I remember one precious little girl who changed my life forever. 

In all of this remembering there is also a lot of joy. There are moments that I so vividly remember the peace that passes all understanding that the Father lavished on me when there was no way to understand His ways. There are moments that I play back in my mind, without meaning to, that stir up hope, joy, peace, and a stronger faith in God than I’ve ever had. Moments that my sorrow has turned to joy. Moments that bring my day to a halt as I remember one precious little girl and one Mighty Big God who changed my life forever.

I will always miss Abigail. I won’t stop being her mother and a mother doesn’t stop loving her child. I will always long for the day that I get to run to her, scoop her up in my arms, and tell her face to face how much I love her. I will always remember her.

But I will also remember how much God has done in me through this pain. He has strengthened me and my faith in Him. Never before have I been in a situation where I was completely dependent on Him. I know that I am never in control but I at least have a sense that I have a little bit to do with the way things turn out (I’m still learning). But through this journey I have seen that I really don’t. I don’t have any control. My only option is to surrender to him and let Him do what He knows is best.

As hard as that lesson has been it has also been very freeing. All I can do and all He ever called me to do is trust Him and surrender everything to Him. That is a choice I have to make daily and some days it comes more easily than others. While I still miss my baby girl, and I still can’t get through one day without the overwhelming desire to have a baby, I have experienced more peace and intimacy with God than ever before. 

I plan to write more soon about particular lessons God has taught me and ways in which He has grown both David and I but I didn’t feel it was right to let October, the month of remembering, pass by without sharing a little bit about our memories and honoring our little gift. 

Thanks to our wonderful friend Mattie for the picture below. I love seeing her name! It’s very special to me.