Thunderstorm

In the last 8 months since we lost Abigail we have had many hard days. Those kind of days that seem overwhelming and just too hard to face. I know that it is not healthy to hide from the pain or stuff it down in hopes that it might just go away so on these days I pray for strength from the Holy Spirit to face it and deal with it as it comes. About a week ago we had one of those really  hard, just too overwhelming, would much rather stuff it and go on days. 

We had been wrestling all week to overcome some sadness that had seem to settle on us. We, for several reasons, had just had a hard week. On Sunday we went to church as usual and had a great service worshiping the Father. I was feeling much better and refocused. I had asked God for forgiveness for letting the sadness and the whole idea of trying to conceive consume me. It had become an idol so I attempted to lay it down as I have attempted many times before.  After church we had meal. I was helping fill cups with ice when dear friends of ours told us that they were expecting. She was very kind about it and told us in a sensitive way. 

We have had many people share with us the news that they are expecting since Abigail passed. We have read many facebook status updates with the big announcement. We have ooed and awed over friends ultrasound pictures many times. We have even gone to the hospital a time or two to welcome a new baby and congratulate our friends.  Each time was hard. Each time we have had to smile and say, “We are so happy for you,” had been hard. Each time a friend asks, “Do you want to hold him?” I want to say no because it will be too hard but I gladly accept and look into the adorable face of her baby. Each time we hear the news of another baby on the way it is hard.

I so badly don’t want it to be hard. I want to jump up and down with them and ask them all kinds of questions. When’s the due date? Any inclinations as to whether it’s a boy or girl? Any names picked out? Any nursery ideas?  I want to tell them congratulations and that I am so happy for them without having to cover the pain in my heart. The truth is I am happy for them. I am grateful that they don’t have to walk the path we are walking. But in all honesty I am envious of the gift they have received. I know the Father’s timing is perfect. I know He has a great plan. I know He hears our cries and sees our hearts desire. I know the truth, but in those moments it is so hard to hold onto.

On this particular Sunday when we received the news that our friend was expecting I wasn’t able to keep the sadness and frustration in. We told them that we were happy for them and congratulated them. Dave even managed to stay present long enough to ask when the due date was and laugh and smile with the father-to-be.  I quickly filled my plate thinking I could make it. I kept telling myself, “You can do this. It’s ok. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Just hold on. Stay for the meal. You can break down when you get home.” Not the most positive self talk but it’s all I had at the moment.

I just couldn’t hold on. I ran to Dave and told him I had to leave. He gave me that car keys and said, “I am right behind you.” I walked briskly through the fellowship hall and up the stairs saying pleasantries to everyone I passed hoping they wouldn’t ask me why I was leaving. I made it to the car and it was as if every emotion I have felt since the day we lost Abigail was staring me in the face. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with it. I have. I have cried, screamed, yelled, prayed until my throat was sore, etc. But in that moment I was overcome. The flood of tears came and I could barely see straight. I knew that people would soon pass by the car and see me crying so I walked over to the driver side and began driving  close to the church so I could circle around and pick up Dave. I had no idea how he was doing but I didn’t want to leave him there if he felt even an ounce of what I was feeling.

As I was driving I kept saying, “It isn’t fair God. Don’t you see how it isn’t fair? We lost a baby and have been trying for 8 months for another. They weren’t even trying. It just isn’t fair.” The truth is that it isn’t fair. No one would listen to our story and say that was fair. But the reality is God never promised that life would be fair. In fact, He said that in this world we would have hardships but that we were to take heart because He has overcome the world. I know that truth but in that moment it just didn’t seem to stick. At a conference I attended a few years ago I heard Andy Stanley, Pastor of North Point Community Church, say, “Life isn’t fair. Fair stopped in the garden.” How true. Because we live in a fallen, broken world life isn’t fair. God sees the big picture. It’s not as if He has forgotten about us or overlooked our desire. He knows what He is doing and I need only to surrender. It’s incredible how much easier that is said (or in my case, typed) than done.

After I circled back around I picked up Dave. His face was dry so he obviously wasn’t reacting the same way I was to the news. When we got home I flung open the door, stomped upstairs and changed into something comfortable. I threw my dress down and tossed my heals. I’m making this sound much more lady like and poised that it really was. I was throwing and tossing things all over the place while screaming through the tears. I came stomping back down the stairs to check on Dave but he hadn’t came in yet. As I turned the corner to step out onto our patio I saw him beating a tree branch up against a strong, sturdy tree.

Through this hardship, as well as others, Dave and I have learned how to deal with our anger in a healthy way. Anger is the emotion that leads us to action. If you keep anger locked up inside it will start to manifest itself in your body. Anger is the emotion that comes with energy. You feel like you just can’t keep it in, you just have to do something. The beauty in this is that God created anger to do exactly what it does. It moves us into action. When I see injustice in our world I get angry. When I hear about children being abused or trafficked I get really angry. When I hear about women being battered and forced into the sex trade I get really, really angry. This anger is meant to move me into action. I can’t just sit by and let these things happen. I have to take action to help those in need. 

In the same way, our anger about our situation must be put into some kind of action. I can’t do anything to change our situation. I can’t create life. I can’t know God’s perfect timing. So, in this case, we just had to get the anger out and deal with it. Dave continued destroying that tree branch and I threw stray branches across the field as hard as I could. Then, still never saying a word, we walked to the front of the house. We stood there for a bit still steaming and I looked over at an old rocking chair on our porch that we have to repaint every year for it to withstand the weather. I looked up at Dave and asked, “Do you like this rocking chair?” He looked puzzled for a moment and then said, “Not that much.” I responded, “Do you want to destroy it?” He grabbed the rocking chair and we went to the back yard.

Our landlord has a pile of rocks (more like boulders) in our backyard. I’m sure he intends to use them to build something some day but we used them that Sunday to destroy a rocking chair. We each took turns beating the rocking chair up against the rocks. Dave would thrust the chair while screaming and I would retrieve it to do the same. The chair was just a pile of wood when we were finished. While we were destroying the rocking chair it started to rain. 

At first it was light and we barely noticed then it began to pour. After the chair couldn’t be beaten anymore we just stood there holding each other in the rain. It was really pouring at this point. We were talking but I could barely hear what Dave was saying over the sound of the rain. He held me tighter in that moment that I think he has ever held me. I cried for almost an hour as we stood in the rain. Dave just held me, stroking my hair. He attempted to shield me from the rain until he realized it was pouring too hard for that. We both shared what we were feeling. We talked about how frustrated we were and how the last 8 months had been so incredibly hard. We talked about how much we missed Abigail and how that day still plays in our minds. We talked about how she would be joining us soon if she had lived. We talked about how we long to be parents so much that it hurts. 

At one point Dave was the only thing holding me up. I had exerted so much energy dealing with the anger and had cried harder than I can ever remember crying that my body was just limp. Dave was holding me up in the pouring rain. I would try to look up into his eyes but the rain was coming down so hard it would sting my eyes. He would wipe my face as the rain drops mingled with my tears. It began to thunder and the trees were bending back and forth in the wind all around us. We stood there for at least an hour just holding each other.

After we went inside and dried off I began reflecting on that moment. While it was one of the most painful moments in our married life it was also one of the most powerful. We were completely real in the middle of our pain. Neither of us was trying to be strong for the other. Neither of us was reminding the other of truth we already know. Neither of us was trying to distract the other from the pain. Neither of us made excuses for how we felt. We simply were.

I also reflected on the power of God in that moment. I know He was right there with us holding us both in that thunderstorm. As tightly as Dave was holding me I am confident that God was holding us both tighter. It was a beautiful reminder that in the middle of a storm God is right there holding us up. In that moment we had no strength. He was our strength. It was also a great picture of the storms of life. It feels like we have been in a storm for a long time now. It feels like it’s been pouring rain and thundering for 8 months. But, just like the weather, our situation will change too. It won’t always be a thunderstorm. It won’t always be raining. Life won’t always be marked by this season. It will be sunny someday soon. There will be clear skies and maybe even a rainbow.

I pray for strength to hold on during the thunderstorm because I know God has sunshine in the forecast. I pray for the ability to be present in the thunderstorm because as much as it hurts it is really powerful. As scary as it can be, it’s awe inspiring. God is teaching me something in the thunderstorm. I pray that when sunshine does come and I’m staring at a clear sky and a rainbow that I won’t soon forget all that God did in the thunderstorm. As hard as this has been, and I expect will continue to be, I wouldn’t trade the love God has shown me. I wouldn’t trade the deeper intimacy I have with the Father. I wouldn’t trade the strength, joy, peace, hope, and perseverance he has given me. I wouldn’t trade the ways He has strengthened our marriage through this. As scary and as hard as it is, I wouldn’t trade the thunderstorm.