Due Date

August 13 was a day that we looked forward to more than any other. I remember looking forward to our wedding day with the same kind of excitement and anticipation. When we discovered that we were expecting a baby one of the first things we did was found out the due date. He or she was to be born on August 13. I know that statistically not many babies are born on their actual due date. Most of them are born a few days before or a few days after but we knew that our baby would be coming and August 13 was the day we were looking forward to.

Today is August 13 but our baby is not coming. She won’t be making her big entrance today. She won’t be taking her first breath today. We won’t be hearing her first cries today. We won’t be holding her in her first few moments of life today. We won’t get to kiss her today. We won’t get to hug her today. We won’t get to look at her beautiful little face today. We won’t get to swaddle her in a little blanket today. We won’t get to tell the nurses what we named her today. Dave won’t get to walk into a waiting room full of anxious family and friends to announce the arrival of our baby girl today. Abigail won’t be coming today. 

I have dreaded today. I just wasn’t sure how I would handle it. I knew it would be sad. I knew it would be hard and I simply didn’t want the day to come. I kept thinking of all the things I could do today that would make it easier. I could go to my favorite coffee shop and spend some time there. I could gather up some friends and go shopping. I could go hiking. I thought of countless things that really wouldn’t have helped ease the pain. I decided that I want to spend today praising my Heavenly Father and remembering Abigail. I want to honor Him as I honor her. 

To begin this due date I wanted to share a few of my journal entries. The first is an entry I wrote the night we found out that we were expecting a baby:

“Father, 

Thank you so much for the blessing of our baby. I am overwhelmed. I am excited, nervous, overjoyed, and terrified all at once.

You are so good God. I am in awe. You reminded me over and over these past few weeks of Psalm 37:4. You did just that. You showed me the desire of my heart and you have provided. 

What a gift Father. I am speechless and yet have so many words to say. We are so undeserving but so thankful. Thank you for hearing our prayer. We are overjoyed. You are so good. 

Help us trust you and hand everything to you. I’m so nervous about a lot of things but I desire to trust in you and your love. Please provide a healthy pregnancy and please protect our baby. Help him or her grow and be healthy. Help me and Dave to trust you in the middle of all the changes and excitement. Help us to be wise in all the decisions that will need to be made. Take our hands and lead us. You are so good.

I am humbled that you would consider us worthy to be a mother and father to the child you have created. It is incredible that you are knitting our baby together in my womb right now. I love you Lord and I am overwhelmed.”

This second entry is a letter I wrote to Abigail the night we found out about her:

“ We found out about you right before midnight. Daddy and I could not wait to take the pregnancy test to see if you might be here. So we took it late at night. We waited anxiously. We so hoped God would bless us with a baby but we wanted to be content with whatever His will might be. We got ready for bed and then checked the test together.

I grabbed it from the side of the tub and put my hand over the results window. I looked at your father and said, “Are you ready?” He nodded and I removed my hand. The test said PREGNANT!

We were shocked and excited. We held each other and laughed with excitement. We were both in disbelief. It was something we wanted to so badly but it seemed surreal, too good to be true. 

I will never forget the look on your dad’s face. He was ecstatic. He gasped in surprise. He has wanted you for a long time, we both have. We stayed up until 2:00 dreaming about you. We talked about you, your due date, how we would tell your grandparents and others. We read through some books on pregnancy to get prepared. 

We prayed and thanked God for His gift. We are so humbled to be chosen to be your mother and father. There’s no greater calling. We are so blessed.  We know that there are lots of changes and unknowns ahead but we know that God is in control, that He is provider, protector, faithful, and always near. We are putting our trust in him and his promises. He is knitting you together right now and we are in awe.” 

The third entry is what I wrote the night we learned that we had lost our baby:

“You were gone almost as quickly as you came sweet baby. We found out today that you had gone to be with Jesus. We really miss you baby but we know that Jesus is holding you in His arms. You were just too special for Earth. He wanted to keep you for the splendor of Heaven.

I long to see you, to hold you, to rock you. I long to love you and teach you so many things. We are separated only by the veil of Heaven and I can’t wait to see you one day. In the mean time know that Mommy and Daddy love you very, very much. 

You are very special to us sweet baby. We won’t forget you and we will never stop loving you. Mommy wants to give you hugs and kisses and tell you how wonderful you are. Until I can be there to do that I will pray that Jesus will do it for me.

Mommy loves you little baby and she always will. We will miss you and long to be with you.

Loving you from this side of Heaven,

Your Mommy”

The fourth entry was just some of my thoughts and heart cries to the Father that night:

“I was a mother for a brief time. I dreamed of holding my precious baby. I loved deeply and now I hurt deeply because she is gone. 

I rejoice because she is with Jesus but I mourn because she is not here with me. I know He is rejoicing over our little miracle but I miss her so badly and want to tell her how much her mommy loves her. 

Jesus, I really need you right now. I know you are faithful God. I know you are near. I know you love me.”

So, August 13 does not mean what it once meant to us. It does not hold the same joy and excitement that it did back then. But August 13 will always be a special day to me. I will always remember that my  precious Abigail was to be born this day but that her real birthday is December 11 when she went to be with Jesus.

So while I won’t be giving birth to Abigail today I still want to treat this day as a due date. I want to give the honor, praise, and thanks that is due my Heavenly Father. I know that He knows what He is doing and that He has a great plan. I know that He loves me and has never let me go. I know that He is taking care of my little Abigail until I get there. I also want to give the honor and remembrance that is due my little girl. She may have only lived a few short weeks but she made a lasting impact on her mommy and daddy. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of Abigail. She drew us closer to each other and closer to the Father. She is making us a better mother and father for her future brothers and sisters. She changed our lives. 

So, today is August 13 but our baby is not coming. She won’t be making her big entrance today. She won’t be taking her first breath today. We won’t be hearing her first cries today. We won’t be holding her in her first few moments of life. We won’t get to kiss her today. We won’t get to hug her today. We won’t get to look at her beautiful little face today. We won’t get to swaddle her in a little blanket today. We won’t get to tell the nurses what we named her today. Dave won’t get to walk into a waiting room full of anxious family and friends to announce the arrival of our baby girl today. Abigail won’t be coming today…because she is already home.

Thunderstorm

In the last 8 months since we lost Abigail we have had many hard days. Those kind of days that seem overwhelming and just too hard to face. I know that it is not healthy to hide from the pain or stuff it down in hopes that it might just go away so on these days I pray for strength from the Holy Spirit to face it and deal with it as it comes. About a week ago we had one of those really  hard, just too overwhelming, would much rather stuff it and go on days. 

We had been wrestling all week to overcome some sadness that had seem to settle on us. We, for several reasons, had just had a hard week. On Sunday we went to church as usual and had a great service worshiping the Father. I was feeling much better and refocused. I had asked God for forgiveness for letting the sadness and the whole idea of trying to conceive consume me. It had become an idol so I attempted to lay it down as I have attempted many times before.  After church we had meal. I was helping fill cups with ice when dear friends of ours told us that they were expecting. She was very kind about it and told us in a sensitive way. 

We have had many people share with us the news that they are expecting since Abigail passed. We have read many facebook status updates with the big announcement. We have ooed and awed over friends ultrasound pictures many times. We have even gone to the hospital a time or two to welcome a new baby and congratulate our friends.  Each time was hard. Each time we have had to smile and say, “We are so happy for you,” had been hard. Each time a friend asks, “Do you want to hold him?” I want to say no because it will be too hard but I gladly accept and look into the adorable face of her baby. Each time we hear the news of another baby on the way it is hard.

I so badly don’t want it to be hard. I want to jump up and down with them and ask them all kinds of questions. When’s the due date? Any inclinations as to whether it’s a boy or girl? Any names picked out? Any nursery ideas?  I want to tell them congratulations and that I am so happy for them without having to cover the pain in my heart. The truth is I am happy for them. I am grateful that they don’t have to walk the path we are walking. But in all honesty I am envious of the gift they have received. I know the Father’s timing is perfect. I know He has a great plan. I know He hears our cries and sees our hearts desire. I know the truth, but in those moments it is so hard to hold onto.

On this particular Sunday when we received the news that our friend was expecting I wasn’t able to keep the sadness and frustration in. We told them that we were happy for them and congratulated them. Dave even managed to stay present long enough to ask when the due date was and laugh and smile with the father-to-be.  I quickly filled my plate thinking I could make it. I kept telling myself, “You can do this. It’s ok. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Just hold on. Stay for the meal. You can break down when you get home.” Not the most positive self talk but it’s all I had at the moment.

I just couldn’t hold on. I ran to Dave and told him I had to leave. He gave me that car keys and said, “I am right behind you.” I walked briskly through the fellowship hall and up the stairs saying pleasantries to everyone I passed hoping they wouldn’t ask me why I was leaving. I made it to the car and it was as if every emotion I have felt since the day we lost Abigail was staring me in the face. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with it. I have. I have cried, screamed, yelled, prayed until my throat was sore, etc. But in that moment I was overcome. The flood of tears came and I could barely see straight. I knew that people would soon pass by the car and see me crying so I walked over to the driver side and began driving  close to the church so I could circle around and pick up Dave. I had no idea how he was doing but I didn’t want to leave him there if he felt even an ounce of what I was feeling.

As I was driving I kept saying, “It isn’t fair God. Don’t you see how it isn’t fair? We lost a baby and have been trying for 8 months for another. They weren’t even trying. It just isn’t fair.” The truth is that it isn’t fair. No one would listen to our story and say that was fair. But the reality is God never promised that life would be fair. In fact, He said that in this world we would have hardships but that we were to take heart because He has overcome the world. I know that truth but in that moment it just didn’t seem to stick. At a conference I attended a few years ago I heard Andy Stanley, Pastor of North Point Community Church, say, “Life isn’t fair. Fair stopped in the garden.” How true. Because we live in a fallen, broken world life isn’t fair. God sees the big picture. It’s not as if He has forgotten about us or overlooked our desire. He knows what He is doing and I need only to surrender. It’s incredible how much easier that is said (or in my case, typed) than done.

After I circled back around I picked up Dave. His face was dry so he obviously wasn’t reacting the same way I was to the news. When we got home I flung open the door, stomped upstairs and changed into something comfortable. I threw my dress down and tossed my heals. I’m making this sound much more lady like and poised that it really was. I was throwing and tossing things all over the place while screaming through the tears. I came stomping back down the stairs to check on Dave but he hadn’t came in yet. As I turned the corner to step out onto our patio I saw him beating a tree branch up against a strong, sturdy tree.

Through this hardship, as well as others, Dave and I have learned how to deal with our anger in a healthy way. Anger is the emotion that leads us to action. If you keep anger locked up inside it will start to manifest itself in your body. Anger is the emotion that comes with energy. You feel like you just can’t keep it in, you just have to do something. The beauty in this is that God created anger to do exactly what it does. It moves us into action. When I see injustice in our world I get angry. When I hear about children being abused or trafficked I get really angry. When I hear about women being battered and forced into the sex trade I get really, really angry. This anger is meant to move me into action. I can’t just sit by and let these things happen. I have to take action to help those in need. 

In the same way, our anger about our situation must be put into some kind of action. I can’t do anything to change our situation. I can’t create life. I can’t know God’s perfect timing. So, in this case, we just had to get the anger out and deal with it. Dave continued destroying that tree branch and I threw stray branches across the field as hard as I could. Then, still never saying a word, we walked to the front of the house. We stood there for a bit still steaming and I looked over at an old rocking chair on our porch that we have to repaint every year for it to withstand the weather. I looked up at Dave and asked, “Do you like this rocking chair?” He looked puzzled for a moment and then said, “Not that much.” I responded, “Do you want to destroy it?” He grabbed the rocking chair and we went to the back yard.

Our landlord has a pile of rocks (more like boulders) in our backyard. I’m sure he intends to use them to build something some day but we used them that Sunday to destroy a rocking chair. We each took turns beating the rocking chair up against the rocks. Dave would thrust the chair while screaming and I would retrieve it to do the same. The chair was just a pile of wood when we were finished. While we were destroying the rocking chair it started to rain. 

At first it was light and we barely noticed then it began to pour. After the chair couldn’t be beaten anymore we just stood there holding each other in the rain. It was really pouring at this point. We were talking but I could barely hear what Dave was saying over the sound of the rain. He held me tighter in that moment that I think he has ever held me. I cried for almost an hour as we stood in the rain. Dave just held me, stroking my hair. He attempted to shield me from the rain until he realized it was pouring too hard for that. We both shared what we were feeling. We talked about how frustrated we were and how the last 8 months had been so incredibly hard. We talked about how much we missed Abigail and how that day still plays in our minds. We talked about how she would be joining us soon if she had lived. We talked about how we long to be parents so much that it hurts. 

At one point Dave was the only thing holding me up. I had exerted so much energy dealing with the anger and had cried harder than I can ever remember crying that my body was just limp. Dave was holding me up in the pouring rain. I would try to look up into his eyes but the rain was coming down so hard it would sting my eyes. He would wipe my face as the rain drops mingled with my tears. It began to thunder and the trees were bending back and forth in the wind all around us. We stood there for at least an hour just holding each other.

After we went inside and dried off I began reflecting on that moment. While it was one of the most painful moments in our married life it was also one of the most powerful. We were completely real in the middle of our pain. Neither of us was trying to be strong for the other. Neither of us was reminding the other of truth we already know. Neither of us was trying to distract the other from the pain. Neither of us made excuses for how we felt. We simply were.

I also reflected on the power of God in that moment. I know He was right there with us holding us both in that thunderstorm. As tightly as Dave was holding me I am confident that God was holding us both tighter. It was a beautiful reminder that in the middle of a storm God is right there holding us up. In that moment we had no strength. He was our strength. It was also a great picture of the storms of life. It feels like we have been in a storm for a long time now. It feels like it’s been pouring rain and thundering for 8 months. But, just like the weather, our situation will change too. It won’t always be a thunderstorm. It won’t always be raining. Life won’t always be marked by this season. It will be sunny someday soon. There will be clear skies and maybe even a rainbow.

I pray for strength to hold on during the thunderstorm because I know God has sunshine in the forecast. I pray for the ability to be present in the thunderstorm because as much as it hurts it is really powerful. As scary as it can be, it’s awe inspiring. God is teaching me something in the thunderstorm. I pray that when sunshine does come and I’m staring at a clear sky and a rainbow that I won’t soon forget all that God did in the thunderstorm. As hard as this has been, and I expect will continue to be, I wouldn’t trade the love God has shown me. I wouldn’t trade the deeper intimacy I have with the Father. I wouldn’t trade the strength, joy, peace, hope, and perseverance he has given me. I wouldn’t trade the ways He has strengthened our marriage through this. As scary and as hard as it is, I wouldn’t trade the thunderstorm.

Summer Time

It’s been a few months since I have posted on my blog but I have been keeping track of things that I would like to write about and share.  The reason I have not posted in the past few months is simply because we have been so busy.

I spend my  summers directing a ten week mission team of college students. I train the students and serve with them as to reach out to our local area and beyond through the avenue of children and youth ministries.  We had an incredible summer that I plan to share more about as I have time to process all that God did in us and through the team of incredible student missionaries.

We got to watch God change lives and pour His love out on so many people. I am reminded every day just how blessed I am to have a job that I love. I love investing in the college students and watching them discover their passions as they grow in Christ.

There were many weeks that it was overwhelming to be surrounded by so many adorable children and babies but God gave us both the strength we needed. One week in particular we had way more children than we expected, which was a great blessing, but I wound up holding and caring for all the babies and toddlers that were too young to be in a class. In the moment the Spirit gave me strength and the ability to be present to those children without even thinking about my own desire and pain. After I would get home or have a minute to think my heart would ache and questions would flood my mind.

However, it was healing to get to nurture the college students and invest in them. It was healing to hug, play with, teach, and love on all the precious children we got to see. It was healing to hold a few babies in my arms. It was healing to play tag and push toddles on the swings. It was healing to kiss a boo-boo and watch a band-aid make it all better. It was healing to hear the words, “I love you” from some of the sweetest children. It was healing to arrive at the location where we were serving and have children run to give me hugs. It was healing to get to teach children about how much Jesus loves them. It was healing to get to use some of my maternal instincts to help some teen moms by taking care of their babies while they enjoyed bible study and building relationships with their friends. It was healing to be able to be used by the Father to mother His children even for a few minutes, for a week, or for ten weeks.

The summer was filled with many lessons, hard days, great days, spiritual warfare, moments of joy, moments of sorrow, tons of laughter, a lot of tears, lots of rest, lots of work, great conversations, great time with friends, new relationships, new ministries, moments of growth, and lots of prayer. And I am thankful for every bit of it.