A Year

One year ago today, December 9, 2011, we heard the words every couple fears the most. This is the day we learned that our little girl went home to be with Jesus.  I cannot believe it has been a whole year since we lost Abigail. It seems unreal to think that 12 months have passed.

I have wondered what this day would be like for a whole year now. Right after the miscarriage I envisioned us having a baby by this time the next year. I was just sure we would get pregnant right away. I just knew that within the next few months we would be expecting again and our baby would be with us by Christmas.

After a few months passed and all we were expecting was another month of anticipation and frustration, I began envisioning a different path. I thought, “Okay, we will for sure be pregnant by this time next year, I just know it.” Each month I tried to have the hope that that month would be different. It eventually became clear that God had other plans for reasons we did not understand.  We are on a completely different path than I ever thought we would be a year from the day our baby went to Heaven.

I don’t want to recount every detail of that day as I have before in this blog. I have replayed parts of that day in my mind almost every day since it happened.  I can still remember all the details like what I had for breakfast, what I was wearing, which student I had just met with and the details of her meeting, the moment I saw the blood and began cramping, the phone call I made to David, the worried look on his face after he rushed home, the consoling tone of the nurse on the phone when we called the doctor, the silent ride to the doctor’s office, the way the doctor’s office was decorated for Christmas, the sad look on the doctor’s face when she told us the news, the tears that I couldn’t hold back, Dave’s strong grip clasping my hand in his, the walk from the office to the car passing several pregnant bellies, the hope and prayers that maybe she was wrong, the painful phone calls telling our family and friends, the drive to a trusted friend and mentors house to tell them the news, their hugs embracing us, the drive to my mother’s house, her embrace, her tears, my tears, Dave’s tears, a pain like I have never felt before.

As much as I try not to think about those details, they still run through my mind almost daily. Christmas time has reminded me a lot of her. Everything was decorated so pretty last year. All the trees in our house remind me of the pain of that moment and the moments to follow. The Christmas lights on everyone’s houses, the baby’s first Christmas ornaments, and the Christmas cards we received with pictures of happy families holding their adorably dressed babies.  It all reminds me of her and the pain of this day. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. Not a day passes that I don’t think of what it would be like to be holding her right now, snuggling her, kissing her, hugging her, rocking her, changing her, feeding her, looking into her beautiful eyes.  Over this past year I have learned more about dealing with pain and loss than ever before in my life. I have dealt with loss and pain prior to losing Abigail but this was different.

Over this year I have faced two of my greatest fears, losing a child to miscarriage and struggling to conceive. Before we even started trying to get pregnant I feared those things. Actually, before I was even married I feared those things. I would selfishly pray, “God, please don’t let that happen to me.” I just knew it would be too hard to handle, that I wouldn’t know what to do or be able to cope with it. I have learned through this experience that God can give you strength to face and cope with even your greatest of fears.  I have learned what it means to surrender your desires even when they are good and holy.  I have learned what it means to really face your pain, I have learned what it means to go on in the middle of a deep hurt, I have learned what it means to use your pain to help others, I have learned what it means to let God use a really hard season for His glory and purposes, I have learned what it means to grieve with your spouse, I have learned what it means to want something so badly it hurts, I have learned what it means to surrender that same thing you want so badly for God’s ultimate plans, I have learned what it means to be in intimacy with the Father, I have learned what it means to pray your heart’s desire, I have learned what it means to wait, and I have learned what it means to listen to God and follow His direction even when it isn’t what you planned.

When I think about what this day means I can’t help but be sad. I miss that little girl with every part of me. But I can’t help but rejoice also. Today marks one year that Abigail has been praising God in Heaven. She is safe. She is cared for. She is loved. She is living out her purpose. I don’t have to worry about her or be scared that something will happen to her. She is in the safest, most perfect place she could be and my Father is watching over her.

Today also marks the beginning of the hardest season of my life but the season that brought the most growth.  It marks the beginning of this journey through pain, desire, surrender, and waiting. Today marks the beginning of our healing journey. Today marks the beginning of our adoption journey. If  Abigail had not gone to be with Jesus we would not be adopting a child at this point in our lives. She is safe and sound in the Father’s arms so another baby can be safe and sound in our arms. I would still give anything to get her back but I wouldn’t trade the lessons I have learned and the journey we are on now.

December 9, 2011 will never be the same. It is a day marked with pain, suffering, fear, tears, and the beginning of new journeys. I love you Abigail and not a day goes by that mommy and daddy don’t think about you. Happy one year anniversary of the day you went home to be with Jesus. We can’t wait to meet you one day and spend eternity giving you hugs and kisses. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

December 5, 2011 changed my life forever. Dave and I had hosted a Christmas party for the college students we work with during the year in the program that I direct. It had been a very busy day going from one thing to the next and preparing for the party. After the students left we put the left-over food away, washed the dishes, and headed up stairs to bed.

We were lying on the bed just winding down from all the activity. We had been trying to conceive for only a few months at this point. Dave looked at me and said, “I think we should take a pregnancy test.” I laughed and said, “We’ve only been trying a few months and I am only one day late. We really shouldn’t get our hopes up.” Inside I was dying to take that test. I couldn’t stand the wait, the anticipation (wow if I had only known then how much wait and anticipation was in my near future.) 

Dave convinced me that we should take the pregnancy test so we did just that. Those three minutes seemed like forever. We busied ourselves with cleaning while we waited. I kept telling myself, “don’t get too excited. It probably didn’t happen this month but that’s okay sometimes it takes a few months. “   But in the same breath I prayed desperately, “God please, please, please give us a baby.  We have wanted to be parents for so long. Please let it be this month.”  (Again, wow, if I had only known how many times I would voice that prayer over the next year.) 

When the three minutes was up we rushed to see the results. We had placed the test on the side of the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain over it so we wouldn’t peek.  I reached around the curtain to retrieve the test and we both closes our eyes. On the count of three we opened them. The test said PREGNANT. 

Our world changed in an instant. We were going to be parents. We couldn’t believe it. We were ecstatic. We jumped up and down, laughed, cried, and just held each other in disbelief.  We spent the rest of the night dreaming about this baby. When would he/she be due, how will we tell our family and friends,  what will he/she look like, be like?  Dave immediately went into daddy mode and made a to-do list of the things that needed to be fixed up in the house to get ready for a baby. I immediately went into mommy mode and started thinking of all the things we needed like bottles, diapers, clothes to take care of a baby.

We started reading up on what to expect while your expecting. A friend of ours gave us that book in our first year of marriage (I guess they were ready for us to get going on the baby thing right away).  My mind wondered to so many things. I was so excited, scared, shocked, and overcome with thankfulness. I spent the night praying and journaling my thoughts of gratitude to God for this blessing. I don’t think I have ever been that happy in my life. That moment, that night is engrained in my memory forever.

Today I look back, one year from that night.  I look back on that joy, that hope, that gratitude and I am in awe of all that God has done.  Our little baby girl was still with us at this point last year. We just found out she was coming. I can’t begin to describe in words how much this week means to me. Each day that passes brings us closer to the day that we learned she had gone to be with Jesus. But each day is also one more day I get to remember her with us.

Our lives changed forever in that moment when we read the word PREGNANT. At that moment we had a whole different picture in mind of what God was doing. We knew change was coming, growth was coming, transition and transformation were on the way but our picture of how God would bring those things into our life looked a lot different than the path we have been walking for a year now.

I look back and see a lot of pain, sorrow, struggle, heartache, and fear but I can also see joy, hope, peace, growth, and purpose. I would not trade the lessons I’ve learned, the intimacy I have with my Heavenly Father. Would I have chosen to learn those lessons and grow closer a different way? ABSOLUTELY! I still wish I could rewind time and live out this scenario in a whole different way. There are many days I think back and wonder what it would have been like to carry Abigail, to give birth to her, and to be holding my 4 month old baby girl this year. I picture her with her presents on her first Christmas. I go into the spare bedroom and envision her nursery and hear her laugher and cries. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish she was here. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish this whole year would have been different. 

I miss her, I will always miss her but one year out from the day we found out we were going to be a mommy and daddy we are stronger, we are wiser, we are closer to each other and the Father than ever before, we have more faith, we have more resolve to surrender to God’s ways, and we are in the center of God’s will.

One year from the day we found out about Abigail, I am still a mommy and Dave is still a daddy. We are just waiting for the baby in which we will parent. We are waiting to be matched with a baby through the adoption process. We are still waiting each month to see if God has provided a biological child. We are waiting, most days not so patiently, but we are waiting.  We are growing, we are learning, we are praying for provision. Wow, what a difference a year makes. 

Total Surrender and a New Journey

Abigail changed our lives forever. She changed the way we see things. She changed the way we pray. She changed the way we related to God. She changed the way we relate to each other. She made us stronger. She made us wiser. She made us understand, maybe for the first time, what it really means to surrender to God. That little girl who lived 5 short weeks on this earth made a huge impact on her mommy and daddy. She gave us quite a gift.

I have always been the kind of person who likes to have a plan.  I need to know what is going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and what I need to do to get ready. I like things to be safe, secure, predictable. I like to know what God’s will is and I really like it if His will happens to line up with what I think is best.

At least, that’s the person I used to be. Thanks to Abigail, and what God has done through her, I think I am beginning to understand what it means to totally surrender to God. We have been trying to conceive since December last year. We began trying as soon as we could after Abigail and so far we have not been successful. We have had several tests ran and everything keeps coming back clear. There seems to be no medical reason we aren’t getting pregnant.

At first this was really frustrating and heart breaking. Every month I would have a meld down every time my period started. It’s bad enough to have your heart broken every month but add monthly hormones on top of it and some days I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. Each time I would pray, “God don’t you hear my prayers? Don’t you see my pain? Doesn’t your Word say you will give me the desires of my heart?” And after fighting it and trying to figure it out I would surrender, “God, I know you are in control and I really do want what you know is best even if I don’t understand. So, please, your will not mine.” I won’t lie and say there were not months that I gritted my teeth as I prayed that and then had to confess that I didn’t really mean it. 

It wasn’t until July of this past year that I began really meaning that prayer. It was then that I started to loosen my grip on my plans and my desires. It was then that I began letting go of my side of the rope in this tug-o-war I was playing with God.

Here is a post from another blog that I write. It describes the struggles and hardships that led me to total surrender, and that led us to the journey we are on now:

“After many months of grieving the loss of Abigail and the struggle to conceive we both began praying about the Father’s direction for us and the children He desires for our family.  We went to many doctor’s appointments and had several tests ran to discover why we were not conceiving. So far we are checking out perfectly healthy and there seems to be no physical reason we are not conceiving, which is a huge praise.

As we continued on our journey we both began feeling that since there was no physical reason we weren’t conceiving there must be a spiritual one. At first I resolved to think that God was teaching us to be patient, wait, trust Him, let Him be in control, to let go, and to surrender my desires back to Him.  While I know all of this is true I couldn’t shake the feeling that that wasn’t all God was showing us.

In May of 2012 David and I began praying about adopting sooner than we had planned. We both began praying daily and researching adoption information. At this point neither of us told the other one that we were laboring over this call to adopt. In July of 2012 when we found out we were not pregnant yet again Dave sat down next to me on the bed to console me and asked, “Have you thought about adopting sooner rather than later?” 

We both shared our stories of how we had been praying and researching with each other. We felt God was telling us to take a step toward adoption in faith. We consulted several people in our lives that we consider spiritual mentors and they were all very encouraging and affirming. We had only been trying to conceive for 7 months at this point, which we realize is a short period of time, so we expected most people to tell us we were crazy and that we should try for a lot longer before considering adoption. But, we were pleasantly surprised when everyone we spoke to, including our families, was nothing but supportive.

For us adoption is not a last resort to have a baby. We do not see it as we have tried but can’t conceive so I guess we will adopt. We view it as an honor and a high calling. When we read Scriptures such as James 1:27 which says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world,” and Isaiah 1:17 which says, “Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.” our hearts are so overwhelmingly burdened we can’t not move. We can’t just sit back and think someone else will do that. We know that adoption is not the only way to look after the orphans but it is the way in which God has called us to do what His Scripture commands all of us to do and we couldn’t be more thrilled.

This step of obedience to answer the call to adopt has been one of the most rewarding and challenging decisions I have ever made.  I have always wanted to adopt. Even as a child I remember thinking about it and being interested in it, but when it came to actually proceeding forward it wasn’t easy.

I had in mind a different scenario. My scenario was good. In fact, my “perfect” plan included the sacrifice and challenge of adoption too. But it didn’t look like this. It didn’t involve the loss of our first biological child. It didn’t involve a one year struggle with infertility. It didn’t involve many sleepless nights agonizing over the loss and the decision at hand about adoption. It didn’t involve any of those things. My plan was much easier with much less scary unknowns. I planned to have a two or three incredibly adorable and well behaved biological children first. Then when we had saved up enough money, learned how to do the parenting thing, we would adopt a child internationally.  That was the plan. Sounds pretty good to me.

But God has something different and something so much better in mind. It has not been easy laying down my desires and my plans to follow Him. I had to come to a point of total surrender. I remember laying on the ground in our back yard weeping as I handed all of this to God. I finally gave up the fight for my plans and I am so glad that I did. It is still hard some days but I am reminded of the truth of God’s word which says in Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps.”  I had planned my course but I am so glad God determined my steps. 

This decision, this journey has so far required the most faith of any step in my Christian walk. I am sure God will only continue to deepen mine and David’s faith as we look to Him to guide us each step of our adoption journey from the paper work stage to the day we bring home baby to the day we send baby to college. It will be a life long journey, but I’m so glad God has called us to.”

So, here I am three months after writing that post and we are waiting to find out if a birth mom chose us to be the parents for her little baby.

Last year when I sat in a Doctor’s office and heard the words, “I’m sorry but I think you are having a miscarriage,” I never dreamed we would be where we are right now. If you had told me that one year later we would showing our profile to birth mothers to adopt a baby I would have told you that you were crazy. But, as I said, I wouldn’t change it.

Abigail not only made us stronger, wiser, and so much closer to each other and God but she made the way for her little brother or sister to become part of our family.  If Abigail had lived she would be 3 months old now and I am pretty sure we would not be looking into adoption at that point. 

I am overwhelmed when I think of what God did through that little girl. He took her into the safety of Heaven where she was loved, accepted, and secure to make a way for another little baby to come into our home to be loved, accepted, and secure. Wow, the meaning of her name just keeps becoming more precious. While we grieved and did not understand the Father was rejoicing. He knew all along the good He would bring from this situation. He knew the beautiful things He intended to make out of the pain. I thank Him for our precious Abigail every day. She changed our lives, and the life of the little one God intends for our family, forever. She is already the best big sister a little brother or sister could ask for.  

Abigail's Snowflake

So, we decorate for Christmas early here at the Atwood home. I’m a little embarrassed to admit it but we have already had our Christmas trees up for two weeks now. We both love Christmas and just can’t wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate.

This year we said that we have done enough waiting so we jumped the gun a bit on Christmas.  It was bittersweet as we took out all the decorations and trimmed the tree. All of our decorations were up last year when we read the positive pregnancy test and they were still up when we returned from the doctor’s appointment that confirmed we had miscarried.  So many emotions are tied to the glistening lights, the shiny ornaments, and the beautiful array of reds and greens.

As we trimmed the tree this year we saved one ornament for last. Usually we top the tree with the star the very last thing but this year something took precedence. In one of our care packages that we received from a dear friend last year after Abigail had gone to be with Jesus was a beautiful white snowflake ornament.

Last year we placed it on the tree in her memory. I remember hanging it right in the middle only days after we knew she had passed. I still remember how painful that moment was. The tears were streaming down my face and Dave was holding my hand as I placed this little token of her life on the tree. The tree is decorated in burgundy and gold so a glistening white snowflake stands out, just like she does.

Abigail’s snowflake is the first thing you see when you look at the tree. It’s in the center again this year. It was just days ago that I again placed her snowflake with tears streaming down my face and Dave holding my hand onto our tree.  This year there was still great sadness, still a lot of pain and longing, but also a hint of joy. Joy because I know she is celebrating her second Christmas in heaven this year.  Joy because she is taken care of. Joy because she is in the presence of the Father. 

Decorating the Christmas tree may never feel quite the same. I may always place her little snowflake on the tree with tears in my eyes and Dave holding my hand. Christmas will always remind me of her life and her passing. The trees glow will always remind me of how mingled the lights get as you peer through tear stained eyes. But I will also always remember how special she is, how loved she is, and how much that little baby changed my life forever. I love you Abigail. 

Knit Together

The past few months have sort of been a blur. Time feels like it is moving faster every day. I just changed my calendar to November today and it is already half way through the month.  I’m not sure what we are doing differently but I don’t remember being this busy before. 

Today I took a few seconds to slow down and think about what time of the year it is. I dreaded November because I knew it would bring up so many different emotions since this was the month Abigail was conceived last year but so far I have let those thoughts stay in the back of my mind.  I decided that it was time to bring them to the forefront.  Facing painful moments or hard memories is never easy but it is so necessary to the healing process.

I did not know it, but at this very moment last year God was knitting our sweet Abigail together in my womb. That verse, Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb,” has always meant a lot to me.  I have read it many times to remind myself of the truth that I am beautifully created by God and that I have a very important purpose.  I guess, not being a mother until Abigail, I didn’t think much about the meaning of the verse from the mother’s perspective. I always read the verse from the perspective of the baby being knit together as a reference to myself but as I read it now it has a whole new meaning.

God was carefully crafting her together. Every detail of her little body He knew and He had a purpose for. He loved and wanted Abigail so much that he chose me to be her mommy so He could create her life. He chose Dave to be her daddy. He chose my womb to knit her together. He chose 5 weeks to be her life span on this earth. He chose Heaven to be her home.

I know that the next few weeks will hold great significance for us. Each day brings a new realization that she was with us at this point one year ago. She was living inside of me one year ago. I did not even know of her at this point but I already loved her.  I look forward with humility to honoring her in the next few weeks as we mark a few anniversaries of her life and the beginning of her life in Heaven. I also look with sadness as each day passes. Each day I remember that she was being knit together by the great Creator at this very moment one year ago. I know He rejoices over her now and I am sure He rejoiced over her with every stroke of His creating hand. 

Remembering

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I have spent most of this month remembering. Remembering my precious baby girl, remembering those friends of ours who have babies waiting for them in heaven too, and remembering the strangers that have been so kind to share their stories of loss with us as we have journeyed down this road.

In all of this remembering there is a lot of pain. There are moments that I so vividly remember the heartbreak of finding out that Abigail had gone to be with the Lord that it feels like the news just came yesterday. There are moments that I play back over in my mind, without meaning to, that stir up that pain and hurt again. Moments that the wound feels so open and raw like it just happened all over again. Moments that bring my day to a halt as I remember one precious little girl who changed my life forever. 

In all of this remembering there is also a lot of joy. There are moments that I so vividly remember the peace that passes all understanding that the Father lavished on me when there was no way to understand His ways. There are moments that I play back in my mind, without meaning to, that stir up hope, joy, peace, and a stronger faith in God than I’ve ever had. Moments that my sorrow has turned to joy. Moments that bring my day to a halt as I remember one precious little girl and one Mighty Big God who changed my life forever.

I will always miss Abigail. I won’t stop being her mother and a mother doesn’t stop loving her child. I will always long for the day that I get to run to her, scoop her up in my arms, and tell her face to face how much I love her. I will always remember her.

But I will also remember how much God has done in me through this pain. He has strengthened me and my faith in Him. Never before have I been in a situation where I was completely dependent on Him. I know that I am never in control but I at least have a sense that I have a little bit to do with the way things turn out (I’m still learning). But through this journey I have seen that I really don’t. I don’t have any control. My only option is to surrender to him and let Him do what He knows is best.

As hard as that lesson has been it has also been very freeing. All I can do and all He ever called me to do is trust Him and surrender everything to Him. That is a choice I have to make daily and some days it comes more easily than others. While I still miss my baby girl, and I still can’t get through one day without the overwhelming desire to have a baby, I have experienced more peace and intimacy with God than ever before. 

I plan to write more soon about particular lessons God has taught me and ways in which He has grown both David and I but I didn’t feel it was right to let October, the month of remembering, pass by without sharing a little bit about our memories and honoring our little gift. 

Thanks to our wonderful friend Mattie for the picture below. I love seeing her name! It’s very special to me.