At first I
dreaded this day. I didn’t want it to come. I didn’t want to see all the cards,
the flowers, the candies, and other gifts for all the mothers. I didn’t want to
go to church and see the beaming smiles of the young mothers holding their
precious babies. I just wanted the day to pass.
It’s my
first mother’s day and my baby isn’t here. This is not exactly how I thought
this day would be. I envisioned myself about 6 months pregnant working on
Abigail’s nursery or buying cute baby clothes. I never expected to be 5 months
out from her passing celebrating this day without her.
I have spent
a lot of time reflecting this week and God has quieted my soul. He has reminded
me of some powerful truths. He is in control and He knows what He is doing. I
seem to forget that on an almost daily basis. He has also reminded me that He
hears the deep cry of my heart to have a child.
I have felt Him so close whispering, “Just hang on. Keep trusting. I
hear you. I’m holding you. I will provide. I have great plans. Don’t stop
fighting. Don’t give up hope. Don’t stop pleading. I will give you the desires
of you heart.”
I needed
those reminders. I needed the extra strength for today. I needed to know that
He hears me and that He loves me and that He knows exactly what is going on
inside of my heart today.
I also want
to remind any mothers out there who are celebrating mother’s day with empty
arms that it is okay to feel exactly what you feel. You don’t have to put on a
strong face or a happy face today. God knows the deep grief inside your heart
and He knows that today is a day focused on women who have the very gift you
desire most. He knows that hurts and He understands. I encourage you to let you
emotions come just as they are. Sit with them for a while even though it’s
painful and let yourself experience what you are feeling. It’s okay, in fact it’s normal to be upset,
sad, and hurting on a day like today.
Remember
that you hurt deeply because you love deeply. That baby was yours for however
long you carried it or even in the brief moments you may have gotten to hold
him or her.
Remember
that you are a mother. You carried a life inside of you.
I am a
mother. I have a beautiful baby girl that is praising God every moment in
eternity. I’m really proud of her. I’m really proud to be her mother. I am so
very thankful that God chose me to carry her.
I am a
mother. I may have empty arms that never got to hold my baby girl. I may reach
down to feel my stomach where she would be at 6 months in the womb and grieve
that she’s not still with me. I may not
get to sing her lullabies, teach her about Jesus, dress her up in cute dresses,
hold her tight when she is scared, kiss a booboo when she falls, or any of
those things that moms do every day. But I am a mother.
I am a
mother. I love my child deeply. I think of her every day. I picture her rejoicing
in the Father’s presence. I see her praising God with the angels. When I hear
the wind chimes we have next to our bedroom in honor of her I think of her
beautiful little voice singing to our Lord.
I am a
mother and while I am not carrying, holding, or raising my baby girl my Father
is rejoicing because He is!
