A Year

One year ago today, December 9, 2011, we heard the words every couple fears the most. This is the day we learned that our little girl went home to be with Jesus.  I cannot believe it has been a whole year since we lost Abigail. It seems unreal to think that 12 months have passed.

I have wondered what this day would be like for a whole year now. Right after the miscarriage I envisioned us having a baby by this time the next year. I was just sure we would get pregnant right away. I just knew that within the next few months we would be expecting again and our baby would be with us by Christmas.

After a few months passed and all we were expecting was another month of anticipation and frustration, I began envisioning a different path. I thought, “Okay, we will for sure be pregnant by this time next year, I just know it.” Each month I tried to have the hope that that month would be different. It eventually became clear that God had other plans for reasons we did not understand.  We are on a completely different path than I ever thought we would be a year from the day our baby went to Heaven.

I don’t want to recount every detail of that day as I have before in this blog. I have replayed parts of that day in my mind almost every day since it happened.  I can still remember all the details like what I had for breakfast, what I was wearing, which student I had just met with and the details of her meeting, the moment I saw the blood and began cramping, the phone call I made to David, the worried look on his face after he rushed home, the consoling tone of the nurse on the phone when we called the doctor, the silent ride to the doctor’s office, the way the doctor’s office was decorated for Christmas, the sad look on the doctor’s face when she told us the news, the tears that I couldn’t hold back, Dave’s strong grip clasping my hand in his, the walk from the office to the car passing several pregnant bellies, the hope and prayers that maybe she was wrong, the painful phone calls telling our family and friends, the drive to a trusted friend and mentors house to tell them the news, their hugs embracing us, the drive to my mother’s house, her embrace, her tears, my tears, Dave’s tears, a pain like I have never felt before.

As much as I try not to think about those details, they still run through my mind almost daily. Christmas time has reminded me a lot of her. Everything was decorated so pretty last year. All the trees in our house remind me of the pain of that moment and the moments to follow. The Christmas lights on everyone’s houses, the baby’s first Christmas ornaments, and the Christmas cards we received with pictures of happy families holding their adorably dressed babies.  It all reminds me of her and the pain of this day. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. Not a day passes that I don’t think of what it would be like to be holding her right now, snuggling her, kissing her, hugging her, rocking her, changing her, feeding her, looking into her beautiful eyes.  Over this past year I have learned more about dealing with pain and loss than ever before in my life. I have dealt with loss and pain prior to losing Abigail but this was different.

Over this year I have faced two of my greatest fears, losing a child to miscarriage and struggling to conceive. Before we even started trying to get pregnant I feared those things. Actually, before I was even married I feared those things. I would selfishly pray, “God, please don’t let that happen to me.” I just knew it would be too hard to handle, that I wouldn’t know what to do or be able to cope with it. I have learned through this experience that God can give you strength to face and cope with even your greatest of fears.  I have learned what it means to surrender your desires even when they are good and holy.  I have learned what it means to really face your pain, I have learned what it means to go on in the middle of a deep hurt, I have learned what it means to use your pain to help others, I have learned what it means to let God use a really hard season for His glory and purposes, I have learned what it means to grieve with your spouse, I have learned what it means to want something so badly it hurts, I have learned what it means to surrender that same thing you want so badly for God’s ultimate plans, I have learned what it means to be in intimacy with the Father, I have learned what it means to pray your heart’s desire, I have learned what it means to wait, and I have learned what it means to listen to God and follow His direction even when it isn’t what you planned.

When I think about what this day means I can’t help but be sad. I miss that little girl with every part of me. But I can’t help but rejoice also. Today marks one year that Abigail has been praising God in Heaven. She is safe. She is cared for. She is loved. She is living out her purpose. I don’t have to worry about her or be scared that something will happen to her. She is in the safest, most perfect place she could be and my Father is watching over her.

Today also marks the beginning of the hardest season of my life but the season that brought the most growth.  It marks the beginning of this journey through pain, desire, surrender, and waiting. Today marks the beginning of our healing journey. Today marks the beginning of our adoption journey. If  Abigail had not gone to be with Jesus we would not be adopting a child at this point in our lives. She is safe and sound in the Father’s arms so another baby can be safe and sound in our arms. I would still give anything to get her back but I wouldn’t trade the lessons I have learned and the journey we are on now.

December 9, 2011 will never be the same. It is a day marked with pain, suffering, fear, tears, and the beginning of new journeys. I love you Abigail and not a day goes by that mommy and daddy don’t think about you. Happy one year anniversary of the day you went home to be with Jesus. We can’t wait to meet you one day and spend eternity giving you hugs and kisses. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

December 5, 2011 changed my life forever. Dave and I had hosted a Christmas party for the college students we work with during the year in the program that I direct. It had been a very busy day going from one thing to the next and preparing for the party. After the students left we put the left-over food away, washed the dishes, and headed up stairs to bed.

We were lying on the bed just winding down from all the activity. We had been trying to conceive for only a few months at this point. Dave looked at me and said, “I think we should take a pregnancy test.” I laughed and said, “We’ve only been trying a few months and I am only one day late. We really shouldn’t get our hopes up.” Inside I was dying to take that test. I couldn’t stand the wait, the anticipation (wow if I had only known then how much wait and anticipation was in my near future.) 

Dave convinced me that we should take the pregnancy test so we did just that. Those three minutes seemed like forever. We busied ourselves with cleaning while we waited. I kept telling myself, “don’t get too excited. It probably didn’t happen this month but that’s okay sometimes it takes a few months. “   But in the same breath I prayed desperately, “God please, please, please give us a baby.  We have wanted to be parents for so long. Please let it be this month.”  (Again, wow, if I had only known how many times I would voice that prayer over the next year.) 

When the three minutes was up we rushed to see the results. We had placed the test on the side of the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain over it so we wouldn’t peek.  I reached around the curtain to retrieve the test and we both closes our eyes. On the count of three we opened them. The test said PREGNANT. 

Our world changed in an instant. We were going to be parents. We couldn’t believe it. We were ecstatic. We jumped up and down, laughed, cried, and just held each other in disbelief.  We spent the rest of the night dreaming about this baby. When would he/she be due, how will we tell our family and friends,  what will he/she look like, be like?  Dave immediately went into daddy mode and made a to-do list of the things that needed to be fixed up in the house to get ready for a baby. I immediately went into mommy mode and started thinking of all the things we needed like bottles, diapers, clothes to take care of a baby.

We started reading up on what to expect while your expecting. A friend of ours gave us that book in our first year of marriage (I guess they were ready for us to get going on the baby thing right away).  My mind wondered to so many things. I was so excited, scared, shocked, and overcome with thankfulness. I spent the night praying and journaling my thoughts of gratitude to God for this blessing. I don’t think I have ever been that happy in my life. That moment, that night is engrained in my memory forever.

Today I look back, one year from that night.  I look back on that joy, that hope, that gratitude and I am in awe of all that God has done.  Our little baby girl was still with us at this point last year. We just found out she was coming. I can’t begin to describe in words how much this week means to me. Each day that passes brings us closer to the day that we learned she had gone to be with Jesus. But each day is also one more day I get to remember her with us.

Our lives changed forever in that moment when we read the word PREGNANT. At that moment we had a whole different picture in mind of what God was doing. We knew change was coming, growth was coming, transition and transformation were on the way but our picture of how God would bring those things into our life looked a lot different than the path we have been walking for a year now.

I look back and see a lot of pain, sorrow, struggle, heartache, and fear but I can also see joy, hope, peace, growth, and purpose. I would not trade the lessons I’ve learned, the intimacy I have with my Heavenly Father. Would I have chosen to learn those lessons and grow closer a different way? ABSOLUTELY! I still wish I could rewind time and live out this scenario in a whole different way. There are many days I think back and wonder what it would have been like to carry Abigail, to give birth to her, and to be holding my 4 month old baby girl this year. I picture her with her presents on her first Christmas. I go into the spare bedroom and envision her nursery and hear her laugher and cries. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish she was here. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish this whole year would have been different. 

I miss her, I will always miss her but one year out from the day we found out we were going to be a mommy and daddy we are stronger, we are wiser, we are closer to each other and the Father than ever before, we have more faith, we have more resolve to surrender to God’s ways, and we are in the center of God’s will.

One year from the day we found out about Abigail, I am still a mommy and Dave is still a daddy. We are just waiting for the baby in which we will parent. We are waiting to be matched with a baby through the adoption process. We are still waiting each month to see if God has provided a biological child. We are waiting, most days not so patiently, but we are waiting.  We are growing, we are learning, we are praying for provision. Wow, what a difference a year makes.