A Year

One year ago today, December 9, 2011, we heard the words every couple fears the most. This is the day we learned that our little girl went home to be with Jesus.  I cannot believe it has been a whole year since we lost Abigail. It seems unreal to think that 12 months have passed.

I have wondered what this day would be like for a whole year now. Right after the miscarriage I envisioned us having a baby by this time the next year. I was just sure we would get pregnant right away. I just knew that within the next few months we would be expecting again and our baby would be with us by Christmas.

After a few months passed and all we were expecting was another month of anticipation and frustration, I began envisioning a different path. I thought, “Okay, we will for sure be pregnant by this time next year, I just know it.” Each month I tried to have the hope that that month would be different. It eventually became clear that God had other plans for reasons we did not understand.  We are on a completely different path than I ever thought we would be a year from the day our baby went to Heaven.

I don’t want to recount every detail of that day as I have before in this blog. I have replayed parts of that day in my mind almost every day since it happened.  I can still remember all the details like what I had for breakfast, what I was wearing, which student I had just met with and the details of her meeting, the moment I saw the blood and began cramping, the phone call I made to David, the worried look on his face after he rushed home, the consoling tone of the nurse on the phone when we called the doctor, the silent ride to the doctor’s office, the way the doctor’s office was decorated for Christmas, the sad look on the doctor’s face when she told us the news, the tears that I couldn’t hold back, Dave’s strong grip clasping my hand in his, the walk from the office to the car passing several pregnant bellies, the hope and prayers that maybe she was wrong, the painful phone calls telling our family and friends, the drive to a trusted friend and mentors house to tell them the news, their hugs embracing us, the drive to my mother’s house, her embrace, her tears, my tears, Dave’s tears, a pain like I have never felt before.

As much as I try not to think about those details, they still run through my mind almost daily. Christmas time has reminded me a lot of her. Everything was decorated so pretty last year. All the trees in our house remind me of the pain of that moment and the moments to follow. The Christmas lights on everyone’s houses, the baby’s first Christmas ornaments, and the Christmas cards we received with pictures of happy families holding their adorably dressed babies.  It all reminds me of her and the pain of this day. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. Not a day passes that I don’t think of what it would be like to be holding her right now, snuggling her, kissing her, hugging her, rocking her, changing her, feeding her, looking into her beautiful eyes.  Over this past year I have learned more about dealing with pain and loss than ever before in my life. I have dealt with loss and pain prior to losing Abigail but this was different.

Over this year I have faced two of my greatest fears, losing a child to miscarriage and struggling to conceive. Before we even started trying to get pregnant I feared those things. Actually, before I was even married I feared those things. I would selfishly pray, “God, please don’t let that happen to me.” I just knew it would be too hard to handle, that I wouldn’t know what to do or be able to cope with it. I have learned through this experience that God can give you strength to face and cope with even your greatest of fears.  I have learned what it means to surrender your desires even when they are good and holy.  I have learned what it means to really face your pain, I have learned what it means to go on in the middle of a deep hurt, I have learned what it means to use your pain to help others, I have learned what it means to let God use a really hard season for His glory and purposes, I have learned what it means to grieve with your spouse, I have learned what it means to want something so badly it hurts, I have learned what it means to surrender that same thing you want so badly for God’s ultimate plans, I have learned what it means to be in intimacy with the Father, I have learned what it means to pray your heart’s desire, I have learned what it means to wait, and I have learned what it means to listen to God and follow His direction even when it isn’t what you planned.

When I think about what this day means I can’t help but be sad. I miss that little girl with every part of me. But I can’t help but rejoice also. Today marks one year that Abigail has been praising God in Heaven. She is safe. She is cared for. She is loved. She is living out her purpose. I don’t have to worry about her or be scared that something will happen to her. She is in the safest, most perfect place she could be and my Father is watching over her.

Today also marks the beginning of the hardest season of my life but the season that brought the most growth.  It marks the beginning of this journey through pain, desire, surrender, and waiting. Today marks the beginning of our healing journey. Today marks the beginning of our adoption journey. If  Abigail had not gone to be with Jesus we would not be adopting a child at this point in our lives. She is safe and sound in the Father’s arms so another baby can be safe and sound in our arms. I would still give anything to get her back but I wouldn’t trade the lessons I have learned and the journey we are on now.

December 9, 2011 will never be the same. It is a day marked with pain, suffering, fear, tears, and the beginning of new journeys. I love you Abigail and not a day goes by that mommy and daddy don’t think about you. Happy one year anniversary of the day you went home to be with Jesus. We can’t wait to meet you one day and spend eternity giving you hugs and kisses.