Due Date

August 13 was a day that we looked forward to more than any other. I remember looking forward to our wedding day with the same kind of excitement and anticipation. When we discovered that we were expecting a baby one of the first things we did was found out the due date. He or she was to be born on August 13. I know that statistically not many babies are born on their actual due date. Most of them are born a few days before or a few days after but we knew that our baby would be coming and August 13 was the day we were looking forward to.

Today is August 13 but our baby is not coming. She won’t be making her big entrance today. She won’t be taking her first breath today. We won’t be hearing her first cries today. We won’t be holding her in her first few moments of life today. We won’t get to kiss her today. We won’t get to hug her today. We won’t get to look at her beautiful little face today. We won’t get to swaddle her in a little blanket today. We won’t get to tell the nurses what we named her today. Dave won’t get to walk into a waiting room full of anxious family and friends to announce the arrival of our baby girl today. Abigail won’t be coming today. 

I have dreaded today. I just wasn’t sure how I would handle it. I knew it would be sad. I knew it would be hard and I simply didn’t want the day to come. I kept thinking of all the things I could do today that would make it easier. I could go to my favorite coffee shop and spend some time there. I could gather up some friends and go shopping. I could go hiking. I thought of countless things that really wouldn’t have helped ease the pain. I decided that I want to spend today praising my Heavenly Father and remembering Abigail. I want to honor Him as I honor her. 

To begin this due date I wanted to share a few of my journal entries. The first is an entry I wrote the night we found out that we were expecting a baby:

“Father, 

Thank you so much for the blessing of our baby. I am overwhelmed. I am excited, nervous, overjoyed, and terrified all at once.

You are so good God. I am in awe. You reminded me over and over these past few weeks of Psalm 37:4. You did just that. You showed me the desire of my heart and you have provided. 

What a gift Father. I am speechless and yet have so many words to say. We are so undeserving but so thankful. Thank you for hearing our prayer. We are overjoyed. You are so good. 

Help us trust you and hand everything to you. I’m so nervous about a lot of things but I desire to trust in you and your love. Please provide a healthy pregnancy and please protect our baby. Help him or her grow and be healthy. Help me and Dave to trust you in the middle of all the changes and excitement. Help us to be wise in all the decisions that will need to be made. Take our hands and lead us. You are so good.

I am humbled that you would consider us worthy to be a mother and father to the child you have created. It is incredible that you are knitting our baby together in my womb right now. I love you Lord and I am overwhelmed.”

This second entry is a letter I wrote to Abigail the night we found out about her:

“ We found out about you right before midnight. Daddy and I could not wait to take the pregnancy test to see if you might be here. So we took it late at night. We waited anxiously. We so hoped God would bless us with a baby but we wanted to be content with whatever His will might be. We got ready for bed and then checked the test together.

I grabbed it from the side of the tub and put my hand over the results window. I looked at your father and said, “Are you ready?” He nodded and I removed my hand. The test said PREGNANT!

We were shocked and excited. We held each other and laughed with excitement. We were both in disbelief. It was something we wanted to so badly but it seemed surreal, too good to be true. 

I will never forget the look on your dad’s face. He was ecstatic. He gasped in surprise. He has wanted you for a long time, we both have. We stayed up until 2:00 dreaming about you. We talked about you, your due date, how we would tell your grandparents and others. We read through some books on pregnancy to get prepared. 

We prayed and thanked God for His gift. We are so humbled to be chosen to be your mother and father. There’s no greater calling. We are so blessed.  We know that there are lots of changes and unknowns ahead but we know that God is in control, that He is provider, protector, faithful, and always near. We are putting our trust in him and his promises. He is knitting you together right now and we are in awe.” 

The third entry is what I wrote the night we learned that we had lost our baby:

“You were gone almost as quickly as you came sweet baby. We found out today that you had gone to be with Jesus. We really miss you baby but we know that Jesus is holding you in His arms. You were just too special for Earth. He wanted to keep you for the splendor of Heaven.

I long to see you, to hold you, to rock you. I long to love you and teach you so many things. We are separated only by the veil of Heaven and I can’t wait to see you one day. In the mean time know that Mommy and Daddy love you very, very much. 

You are very special to us sweet baby. We won’t forget you and we will never stop loving you. Mommy wants to give you hugs and kisses and tell you how wonderful you are. Until I can be there to do that I will pray that Jesus will do it for me.

Mommy loves you little baby and she always will. We will miss you and long to be with you.

Loving you from this side of Heaven,

Your Mommy”

The fourth entry was just some of my thoughts and heart cries to the Father that night:

“I was a mother for a brief time. I dreamed of holding my precious baby. I loved deeply and now I hurt deeply because she is gone. 

I rejoice because she is with Jesus but I mourn because she is not here with me. I know He is rejoicing over our little miracle but I miss her so badly and want to tell her how much her mommy loves her. 

Jesus, I really need you right now. I know you are faithful God. I know you are near. I know you love me.”

So, August 13 does not mean what it once meant to us. It does not hold the same joy and excitement that it did back then. But August 13 will always be a special day to me. I will always remember that my  precious Abigail was to be born this day but that her real birthday is December 11 when she went to be with Jesus.

So while I won’t be giving birth to Abigail today I still want to treat this day as a due date. I want to give the honor, praise, and thanks that is due my Heavenly Father. I know that He knows what He is doing and that He has a great plan. I know that He loves me and has never let me go. I know that He is taking care of my little Abigail until I get there. I also want to give the honor and remembrance that is due my little girl. She may have only lived a few short weeks but she made a lasting impact on her mommy and daddy. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of Abigail. She drew us closer to each other and closer to the Father. She is making us a better mother and father for her future brothers and sisters. She changed our lives. 

So, today is August 13 but our baby is not coming. She won’t be making her big entrance today. She won’t be taking her first breath today. We won’t be hearing her first cries today. We won’t be holding her in her first few moments of life. We won’t get to kiss her today. We won’t get to hug her today. We won’t get to look at her beautiful little face today. We won’t get to swaddle her in a little blanket today. We won’t get to tell the nurses what we named her today. Dave won’t get to walk into a waiting room full of anxious family and friends to announce the arrival of our baby girl today. Abigail won’t be coming today…because she is already home.

Thunderstorm

In the last 8 months since we lost Abigail we have had many hard days. Those kind of days that seem overwhelming and just too hard to face. I know that it is not healthy to hide from the pain or stuff it down in hopes that it might just go away so on these days I pray for strength from the Holy Spirit to face it and deal with it as it comes. About a week ago we had one of those really  hard, just too overwhelming, would much rather stuff it and go on days. 

We had been wrestling all week to overcome some sadness that had seem to settle on us. We, for several reasons, had just had a hard week. On Sunday we went to church as usual and had a great service worshiping the Father. I was feeling much better and refocused. I had asked God for forgiveness for letting the sadness and the whole idea of trying to conceive consume me. It had become an idol so I attempted to lay it down as I have attempted many times before.  After church we had meal. I was helping fill cups with ice when dear friends of ours told us that they were expecting. She was very kind about it and told us in a sensitive way. 

We have had many people share with us the news that they are expecting since Abigail passed. We have read many facebook status updates with the big announcement. We have ooed and awed over friends ultrasound pictures many times. We have even gone to the hospital a time or two to welcome a new baby and congratulate our friends.  Each time was hard. Each time we have had to smile and say, “We are so happy for you,” had been hard. Each time a friend asks, “Do you want to hold him?” I want to say no because it will be too hard but I gladly accept and look into the adorable face of her baby. Each time we hear the news of another baby on the way it is hard.

I so badly don’t want it to be hard. I want to jump up and down with them and ask them all kinds of questions. When’s the due date? Any inclinations as to whether it’s a boy or girl? Any names picked out? Any nursery ideas?  I want to tell them congratulations and that I am so happy for them without having to cover the pain in my heart. The truth is I am happy for them. I am grateful that they don’t have to walk the path we are walking. But in all honesty I am envious of the gift they have received. I know the Father’s timing is perfect. I know He has a great plan. I know He hears our cries and sees our hearts desire. I know the truth, but in those moments it is so hard to hold onto.

On this particular Sunday when we received the news that our friend was expecting I wasn’t able to keep the sadness and frustration in. We told them that we were happy for them and congratulated them. Dave even managed to stay present long enough to ask when the due date was and laugh and smile with the father-to-be.  I quickly filled my plate thinking I could make it. I kept telling myself, “You can do this. It’s ok. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Just hold on. Stay for the meal. You can break down when you get home.” Not the most positive self talk but it’s all I had at the moment.

I just couldn’t hold on. I ran to Dave and told him I had to leave. He gave me that car keys and said, “I am right behind you.” I walked briskly through the fellowship hall and up the stairs saying pleasantries to everyone I passed hoping they wouldn’t ask me why I was leaving. I made it to the car and it was as if every emotion I have felt since the day we lost Abigail was staring me in the face. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with it. I have. I have cried, screamed, yelled, prayed until my throat was sore, etc. But in that moment I was overcome. The flood of tears came and I could barely see straight. I knew that people would soon pass by the car and see me crying so I walked over to the driver side and began driving  close to the church so I could circle around and pick up Dave. I had no idea how he was doing but I didn’t want to leave him there if he felt even an ounce of what I was feeling.

As I was driving I kept saying, “It isn’t fair God. Don’t you see how it isn’t fair? We lost a baby and have been trying for 8 months for another. They weren’t even trying. It just isn’t fair.” The truth is that it isn’t fair. No one would listen to our story and say that was fair. But the reality is God never promised that life would be fair. In fact, He said that in this world we would have hardships but that we were to take heart because He has overcome the world. I know that truth but in that moment it just didn’t seem to stick. At a conference I attended a few years ago I heard Andy Stanley, Pastor of North Point Community Church, say, “Life isn’t fair. Fair stopped in the garden.” How true. Because we live in a fallen, broken world life isn’t fair. God sees the big picture. It’s not as if He has forgotten about us or overlooked our desire. He knows what He is doing and I need only to surrender. It’s incredible how much easier that is said (or in my case, typed) than done.

After I circled back around I picked up Dave. His face was dry so he obviously wasn’t reacting the same way I was to the news. When we got home I flung open the door, stomped upstairs and changed into something comfortable. I threw my dress down and tossed my heals. I’m making this sound much more lady like and poised that it really was. I was throwing and tossing things all over the place while screaming through the tears. I came stomping back down the stairs to check on Dave but he hadn’t came in yet. As I turned the corner to step out onto our patio I saw him beating a tree branch up against a strong, sturdy tree.

Through this hardship, as well as others, Dave and I have learned how to deal with our anger in a healthy way. Anger is the emotion that leads us to action. If you keep anger locked up inside it will start to manifest itself in your body. Anger is the emotion that comes with energy. You feel like you just can’t keep it in, you just have to do something. The beauty in this is that God created anger to do exactly what it does. It moves us into action. When I see injustice in our world I get angry. When I hear about children being abused or trafficked I get really angry. When I hear about women being battered and forced into the sex trade I get really, really angry. This anger is meant to move me into action. I can’t just sit by and let these things happen. I have to take action to help those in need. 

In the same way, our anger about our situation must be put into some kind of action. I can’t do anything to change our situation. I can’t create life. I can’t know God’s perfect timing. So, in this case, we just had to get the anger out and deal with it. Dave continued destroying that tree branch and I threw stray branches across the field as hard as I could. Then, still never saying a word, we walked to the front of the house. We stood there for a bit still steaming and I looked over at an old rocking chair on our porch that we have to repaint every year for it to withstand the weather. I looked up at Dave and asked, “Do you like this rocking chair?” He looked puzzled for a moment and then said, “Not that much.” I responded, “Do you want to destroy it?” He grabbed the rocking chair and we went to the back yard.

Our landlord has a pile of rocks (more like boulders) in our backyard. I’m sure he intends to use them to build something some day but we used them that Sunday to destroy a rocking chair. We each took turns beating the rocking chair up against the rocks. Dave would thrust the chair while screaming and I would retrieve it to do the same. The chair was just a pile of wood when we were finished. While we were destroying the rocking chair it started to rain. 

At first it was light and we barely noticed then it began to pour. After the chair couldn’t be beaten anymore we just stood there holding each other in the rain. It was really pouring at this point. We were talking but I could barely hear what Dave was saying over the sound of the rain. He held me tighter in that moment that I think he has ever held me. I cried for almost an hour as we stood in the rain. Dave just held me, stroking my hair. He attempted to shield me from the rain until he realized it was pouring too hard for that. We both shared what we were feeling. We talked about how frustrated we were and how the last 8 months had been so incredibly hard. We talked about how much we missed Abigail and how that day still plays in our minds. We talked about how she would be joining us soon if she had lived. We talked about how we long to be parents so much that it hurts. 

At one point Dave was the only thing holding me up. I had exerted so much energy dealing with the anger and had cried harder than I can ever remember crying that my body was just limp. Dave was holding me up in the pouring rain. I would try to look up into his eyes but the rain was coming down so hard it would sting my eyes. He would wipe my face as the rain drops mingled with my tears. It began to thunder and the trees were bending back and forth in the wind all around us. We stood there for at least an hour just holding each other.

After we went inside and dried off I began reflecting on that moment. While it was one of the most painful moments in our married life it was also one of the most powerful. We were completely real in the middle of our pain. Neither of us was trying to be strong for the other. Neither of us was reminding the other of truth we already know. Neither of us was trying to distract the other from the pain. Neither of us made excuses for how we felt. We simply were.

I also reflected on the power of God in that moment. I know He was right there with us holding us both in that thunderstorm. As tightly as Dave was holding me I am confident that God was holding us both tighter. It was a beautiful reminder that in the middle of a storm God is right there holding us up. In that moment we had no strength. He was our strength. It was also a great picture of the storms of life. It feels like we have been in a storm for a long time now. It feels like it’s been pouring rain and thundering for 8 months. But, just like the weather, our situation will change too. It won’t always be a thunderstorm. It won’t always be raining. Life won’t always be marked by this season. It will be sunny someday soon. There will be clear skies and maybe even a rainbow.

I pray for strength to hold on during the thunderstorm because I know God has sunshine in the forecast. I pray for the ability to be present in the thunderstorm because as much as it hurts it is really powerful. As scary as it can be, it’s awe inspiring. God is teaching me something in the thunderstorm. I pray that when sunshine does come and I’m staring at a clear sky and a rainbow that I won’t soon forget all that God did in the thunderstorm. As hard as this has been, and I expect will continue to be, I wouldn’t trade the love God has shown me. I wouldn’t trade the deeper intimacy I have with the Father. I wouldn’t trade the strength, joy, peace, hope, and perseverance he has given me. I wouldn’t trade the ways He has strengthened our marriage through this. As scary and as hard as it is, I wouldn’t trade the thunderstorm.

Summer Time

It’s been a few months since I have posted on my blog but I have been keeping track of things that I would like to write about and share.  The reason I have not posted in the past few months is simply because we have been so busy.

I spend my  summers directing a ten week mission team of college students. I train the students and serve with them as to reach out to our local area and beyond through the avenue of children and youth ministries.  We had an incredible summer that I plan to share more about as I have time to process all that God did in us and through the team of incredible student missionaries.

We got to watch God change lives and pour His love out on so many people. I am reminded every day just how blessed I am to have a job that I love. I love investing in the college students and watching them discover their passions as they grow in Christ.

There were many weeks that it was overwhelming to be surrounded by so many adorable children and babies but God gave us both the strength we needed. One week in particular we had way more children than we expected, which was a great blessing, but I wound up holding and caring for all the babies and toddlers that were too young to be in a class. In the moment the Spirit gave me strength and the ability to be present to those children without even thinking about my own desire and pain. After I would get home or have a minute to think my heart would ache and questions would flood my mind.

However, it was healing to get to nurture the college students and invest in them. It was healing to hug, play with, teach, and love on all the precious children we got to see. It was healing to hold a few babies in my arms. It was healing to play tag and push toddles on the swings. It was healing to kiss a boo-boo and watch a band-aid make it all better. It was healing to hear the words, “I love you” from some of the sweetest children. It was healing to arrive at the location where we were serving and have children run to give me hugs. It was healing to get to teach children about how much Jesus loves them. It was healing to get to use some of my maternal instincts to help some teen moms by taking care of their babies while they enjoyed bible study and building relationships with their friends. It was healing to be able to be used by the Father to mother His children even for a few minutes, for a week, or for ten weeks.

The summer was filled with many lessons, hard days, great days, spiritual warfare, moments of joy, moments of sorrow, tons of laughter, a lot of tears, lots of rest, lots of work, great conversations, great time with friends, new relationships, new ministries, moments of growth, and lots of prayer. And I am thankful for every bit of it.

Mother's Day

At first I dreaded this day. I didn’t want it to come. I didn’t want to see all the cards, the flowers, the candies, and other gifts for all the mothers. I didn’t want to go to church and see the beaming smiles of the young mothers holding their precious babies. I just wanted the day to pass. 

It’s my first mother’s day and my baby isn’t here. This is not exactly how I thought this day would be. I envisioned myself about 6 months pregnant working on Abigail’s nursery or buying cute baby clothes. I never expected to be 5 months out from her passing celebrating this day without her. 

I have spent a lot of time reflecting this week and God has quieted my soul. He has reminded me of some powerful truths. He is in control and He knows what He is doing. I seem to forget that on an almost daily basis. He has also reminded me that He hears the deep cry of my heart to have a child.  I have felt Him so close whispering, “Just hang on. Keep trusting. I hear you. I’m holding you. I will provide. I have great plans. Don’t stop fighting. Don’t give up hope. Don’t stop pleading. I will give you the desires of you heart.”

I needed those reminders. I needed the extra strength for today. I needed to know that He hears me and that He loves me and that He knows exactly what is going on inside of my heart today.

I also want to remind any mothers out there who are celebrating mother’s day with empty arms that it is okay to feel exactly what you feel. You don’t have to put on a strong face or a happy face today. God knows the deep grief inside your heart and He knows that today is a day focused on women who have the very gift you desire most. He knows that hurts and He understands. I encourage you to let you emotions come just as they are. Sit with them for a while even though it’s painful and let yourself experience what you are feeling.  It’s okay, in fact it’s normal to be upset, sad, and hurting on a day like today.

Remember that you hurt deeply because you love deeply. That baby was yours for however long you carried it or even in the brief moments you may have gotten to hold him or her. 

Remember that you are a mother. You carried a life inside of you. 

I am a mother. I have a beautiful baby girl that is praising God every moment in eternity. I’m really proud of her. I’m really proud to be her mother. I am so very thankful that God chose me to carry her. 

I am a mother. I may have empty arms that never got to hold my baby girl. I may reach down to feel my stomach where she would be at 6 months in the womb and grieve that she’s not still with me.  I may not get to sing her lullabies, teach her about Jesus, dress her up in cute dresses, hold her tight when she is scared, kiss a booboo when she falls, or any of those things that moms do every day. But I am a mother. 

I am a mother. I love my child deeply. I think of her every day. I picture her rejoicing in the Father’s presence. I see her praising God with the angels. When I hear the wind chimes we have next to our bedroom in honor of her I think of her beautiful little voice singing to our Lord. 

I am a mother and while I am not carrying, holding, or raising my baby girl my Father is rejoicing because He is!

Encouragement from Scripture

These verses, along with many others, have been a source of strength and comfort over the past few months. God speaks so clearly through His word. It truly is living and active. God has given me great strength and peace as He has spoken His truth over me through Scripture. I pray these verses will be an encouragement to you and a reminder that God loves you and He will never leave you.

“Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, you his servants; praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of his people. He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” – Psalm 113

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" - Psalm 147:3

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - I Peter 5:10

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - I Peter 5:7

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 4:4-7

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." -Deuteronomy 31:8

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." - Psalm 55:22

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." - John 14:27

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations." - Deuteronomy 7:9

"And this is the confident that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us." - I John 5:14

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

"But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" - Isaiah 43:1-3

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:9

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." - Proverbs 16:9

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Praying like Hannah

Throughout our journey of desiring children and trying to conceive I have been drawn back to the story of Hannah time and time again. It is found in I Samuel chapter 1. I have read this story many times before in my life, heard many sermons preached on it, and read many devotions centered on it, but never before has it held such incredible meaning.

My heart breaks for Hannah as she desired to have children and could not. The Scripture said that her womb was closed for years. I know the feeling of desiring a child so badly you just can’t stand it, but to have that type of desire and disappointment for years seems overwhelming.

The part of her story that I love is how she prayed. Of course I love the part where God blesses her with Samuel, but her prayer is extraordinary to me. In verses 10-11 the Scripture reads,

“In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed before the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, ‘O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life.”

I love the fact that these verses really capture just how hurt Hannah was. It says, “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much.” Wow, I can relate to that. I have been there. The Message version phrases it this way,

“Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried –inconsolably.”

When we heard the news that we had lost Abigail I can definitely say I was crushed in soul and cried harder than I ever had before. Each month that I find out we have not conceived brings this feeling back again. I feel crushed in my soul and the tears just can’t be held back. I desire so deeply to have a child and it is so painful to know that we have to ride the emotional roller coaster for another month. Another month of planning, trying, hoping, trying to trust, trying to relax, trying not to obsess, and fearfully waiting for the outcome. It is almost too much to handle sometimes. As I prayed this morning I confessed to God that I didn’t think I could handle many more months of this heartache. I can’t keep clinging to every bit of hope just to be crushed when we find out that we are not pregnant.

As I was praying He drew me back to this passage that I have read so many times the pages in my Bible are crinkled from my tears. I read it again. I prayed that God would give me hope and encouragement from it again. As I continued reading I was reminded of how incredible Hannah’s prayer was. Verse 12-18 says,

“As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, ‘How long will you keep getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.’ Not so my lord, Hannah replied, ‘I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.’ Eli answered, ‘Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.’ She said, ‘May your servant find favor in your eyes.’ Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.”

She came before the Lord and just laid it all before him. I am certain that if anyone observed my prayer times with the Father over the past few months they would have thought I was drunk or crazy too. I have cried, screamed, pounded the floor, and sat muttering my heart’s desire without speaking an audible word. Sometimes I sort of felt crazy. But the beautiful thing is that God accepts all of that. In fact He wants us to lay it all before Him and He knows that is not always going to be pretty or make sense to anyone else but Him. As much pain as this season is bringing I know I am closer to the Father. He has held me and rocked me in His arms whispering His truths over and over.

What amazes me about Hannah’s prayer is how she is able to lay her pain and heart’s desire at God’s feet and then walk away confident and at peace. It says that she went away and ate something and that her face was no longer downcast. After she got all of that pain, hurt, and desire out she was able to move forward, to go about her day. I desire to pray like that. I desire to express the depths of my heart and then walk away confident that God is in control, that He heard my cry, and that He will answer. Often times though I am not able to do that. I will express the depth of my heart but I don’t feel confident, at peace, and I’m pretty sure my face is still downcast. I am praying that God will teach me how to leave all that in His hands and go about my day focused on Him and confident that He is working all things for the good and that He has a great plan. I have a bad habit of giving something over to God and then taking it right back. The even deeper desire of my heart is to trust Him fully and rest contently in Him.

Then, the part that I pray will be part of our story very soon, God gives them a child. Verse 19 says,

“Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her.”

I love that it says the Lord remembered her. God was listening, just as He is listening to my heart’s cry. God saw her heart, her desire, her pain, her brokenness, and He remembered her. The Message phrases it,

“God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what she has asked.”

I have to remember that God is making those arrangements. I have no idea what His timing or plan is but I know He is working and moving. I know He is not ignoring my pleas. I know He hurts with me and I know that He is already in motion answering those prayers.

Verse 20 says, “So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel saying, ‘Because I asked the Lord for him.’”

The Message says, “Before the year was out, Hannah had conceived and given birth to a son.”

I have read this verse over and over and over and over. In the course of time, within the year, God answered her prayers. I am trying to wait contently on God’s timing but it is really, really hard.

I love the name Samuel because it means, “God heard.” God heard Hannah’s prayers and I know He is hearing ours. Some days that is just so much harder to trust in than others.

I am so thankful to the Father because I have had many strong days. In fact, the past three weeks have been really good. I have felt very strong and very able to trust in His plans and His timing. I have felt at peace and able to surrender any control that I think I might have. I didn’t even chart days this month. Well, it’s hard not to chart them mentally but I didn’t make a physical calendar. So, I am very grateful for that strength and that peace and I know I will experience it again.

The past 3 days, however, have been so hard, today especially. I have had to fight through the lies of the enemy all day. I have had to speak the truth loud and clear and pray that God will help me take hold of it and believe it. I have had to process through and hand to God my fears, my sadness, my confusion, my anger, and my shame. The hardest for me to release and let God work in is the shame. I know that the miscarriage was not my fault but I can’t help but think that the timing of all of this, and this really hard season is.

We have both desired to have children from the first day of our marriage and since we lost Abigail I have had to fight feelings of shame and regret wishing we had started actively trying much sooner. We talked about it so many different times over the years and it was something we both wanted but I was very scared. I kept giving in to those fears. I knew having a baby would change our relationship, would change me, and would totally change my world. I would get scared and think that we should wait a little longer. I feel shame and regret over those decisions now. I feel like I didn’t listen to myself, to the longings of my heart that God placed there, and to Dave’s heart’s desire. I know I can’t change any of that now, and maybe I didn’t do anything wrong, but the feeling of shame is so strong some days all I can do is cry and ask God to give me strength to believe that His timing is perfect and that He is in control.

I was blessed to have a great conversation with a very dear friend today. This friend repeatedly asked, “You know it’s not your fault right?” As the question was asked I wanted to say yes of course I know it’s not my fault but everything inside of me kept saying but it really is my fault. I’m the reason we are almost 5 years into our marriage and just now hitting this really hard season of trying to conceive. If we had tried 4 years ago we would be past this now and we would probably have 2 or 3 children. As my friend repeatedly asked me that, “You know it’s not your fault right?” I struggled to believe that it was true, but was able to look back on our almost 5 years of marriage with great thankfulness.

We have been able to build a very solid foundation for our marriage. I love Dave so much and have enjoyed every minute that it has been just us. While we will always be learning what it means to be a godly husband and a godly wife I am thankful that we have learned a lot about it so far and that God has grown us and shaped us in these years. I am thankful also for the many ministry opportunities God has given us that we would not have been able to take if we had children in this season.

Do these truths make it all better? No, in fact they only take just a little bit of the sting away, but I know that God is ultimately in control and that He will give us the desires of our heart. I also know that He is a God of redemption, of grace, of mercy, of compassion, and of hope. My immobilizing fears aren’t going to stop God from doing what He knows is best. My inability to make decisions is not going to hinder God. My lack of submission to my husband at times is not going to throw off God’s plans. He will convict me, forgive me, and give me strength to see my weakness but He is still God no matter what.

Now all of those fears that I once let distract me seem so small, so insignificant. The desire for a child is so strong that it drowns out the fear of change. I have all new fears now. The fear that it will take a long time to get pregnant. Even though I am just 27 I fear that time is slipping away quickly. The fear that we will miscarry again. The fear that it will hurt this badly every month if we keep trying unsuccessfully. I keep reminding myself of the truth. It is just fear. While it is a very real emotion I can bring it to God and ask Him to control it and take care of it. While those fears are normal, natural, and rational, given our circumstances, they are still under God’s control. None of those things may happen. We may conceive this month and deliver a very healthy baby. I have to remember that perfect love casts out all fear. God’s perfect love can calm those fears and help me focus on what it true. I know that so well and I tell people that every day but living it out is so much harder.

I pray that God will help me to pray like Hannah. To get it all out and to leave it all with Him. I pray that He will remember us and that He will give us a child to raise in His ways. I pray that He calms those fears and gives me peace. I pray that I will have more strong days than hard days and that no matter which kind of day it is that my heart will rejoice in Him because He is in control and that I will sing praise and gives thanks to the Almighty Father. To Him be the glory.