Mother's Day

At first I dreaded this day. I didn’t want it to come. I didn’t want to see all the cards, the flowers, the candies, and other gifts for all the mothers. I didn’t want to go to church and see the beaming smiles of the young mothers holding their precious babies. I just wanted the day to pass. 

It’s my first mother’s day and my baby isn’t here. This is not exactly how I thought this day would be. I envisioned myself about 6 months pregnant working on Abigail’s nursery or buying cute baby clothes. I never expected to be 5 months out from her passing celebrating this day without her. 

I have spent a lot of time reflecting this week and God has quieted my soul. He has reminded me of some powerful truths. He is in control and He knows what He is doing. I seem to forget that on an almost daily basis. He has also reminded me that He hears the deep cry of my heart to have a child.  I have felt Him so close whispering, “Just hang on. Keep trusting. I hear you. I’m holding you. I will provide. I have great plans. Don’t stop fighting. Don’t give up hope. Don’t stop pleading. I will give you the desires of you heart.”

I needed those reminders. I needed the extra strength for today. I needed to know that He hears me and that He loves me and that He knows exactly what is going on inside of my heart today.

I also want to remind any mothers out there who are celebrating mother’s day with empty arms that it is okay to feel exactly what you feel. You don’t have to put on a strong face or a happy face today. God knows the deep grief inside your heart and He knows that today is a day focused on women who have the very gift you desire most. He knows that hurts and He understands. I encourage you to let you emotions come just as they are. Sit with them for a while even though it’s painful and let yourself experience what you are feeling.  It’s okay, in fact it’s normal to be upset, sad, and hurting on a day like today.

Remember that you hurt deeply because you love deeply. That baby was yours for however long you carried it or even in the brief moments you may have gotten to hold him or her. 

Remember that you are a mother. You carried a life inside of you. 

I am a mother. I have a beautiful baby girl that is praising God every moment in eternity. I’m really proud of her. I’m really proud to be her mother. I am so very thankful that God chose me to carry her. 

I am a mother. I may have empty arms that never got to hold my baby girl. I may reach down to feel my stomach where she would be at 6 months in the womb and grieve that she’s not still with me.  I may not get to sing her lullabies, teach her about Jesus, dress her up in cute dresses, hold her tight when she is scared, kiss a booboo when she falls, or any of those things that moms do every day. But I am a mother. 

I am a mother. I love my child deeply. I think of her every day. I picture her rejoicing in the Father’s presence. I see her praising God with the angels. When I hear the wind chimes we have next to our bedroom in honor of her I think of her beautiful little voice singing to our Lord. 

I am a mother and while I am not carrying, holding, or raising my baby girl my Father is rejoicing because He is!