The Point of Our Pain is the Point of Our Healing

While I know this was not God’s perfect will I also know He intends to bring good from it. I know that He wants to teach me many things through this pain and He already has. I would like to share just a few of those lessons that He is teaching me as He gives me strength to face the pain and uncertainty of the future.

The first and most difficult lesson is that I am not God and I am not in control. I can almost hear the collective, “duh,” as others are reading this. It is not like I had never realized that I was not God and that I was not in control but this was a deeper level of understanding of this lesson. From the moment I heard that we were miscarrying I have realized that this may be one of the first circumstances in my life in which I am really, truly not in control. Now I know that I am actually not in control of any circumstance, no matter how big or small, in my life. I realize that even when I think I’m in control that God is truly the one orchestrating and sustaining everything. However, I realized this was the first time that I could do nothing, that I had no hand in anything. When I looked back over other big moments in my life I definitely saw that God was in control but I still had some role to play, some job to do. This time was different. I could literally do nothing but rely on Him and trust that He knew what He was doing.

I am trying to put this lesson into practice every day as I wake up and surrender that day to Him. I had done this before the miscarriage but now it’s different. I think I mean it on a deeper level than I ever did before. It is the first time, at least that I can remember, that I really can only take life one day at a time. I don’t have the strength to look past today into tomorrow. I am beginning to understand the real meaning of Matthew 6:34, that tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.

I am also learning that it is far more about love than about trust. As the months passed by that we did not conceive I began to be consumed with the planning, with the desire, and with the fear. I realized that my whole relationship with God had revolved around my pain and desire for a baby for several months. I know that God wants to heal us and wants to hear the desires of our heart but it had become an idol in my life. As much as I didn’t want to admit it I needed to lay it down and repent. I had to ask myself, “Do you love Christ more than Abigail?”, “Do you love Him more than the baby you desire?”, and “Do you love him more than Dave and your desire to have a family with him?” These were hard questions. Of course my heart and my mind said, “YES! Of course I love Christ more than all of these things and everything else too,” but my actions answered differently. I had to hand it all over to Him and I am learning that His love for me is all I need. It is out of His love for me and my love for Him that I even begin to trust Him. I kept trying to make it work the other way around. I would try to trust Him and create love from that. He keeps teaching me about His love for me and my love for Him. It is a hard, painful lesson but so worth it. I keep praying that the Spirit will control my mind as Romans 8:6 says, "The mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." I really desire life and peace.

The Lord also gave me a renewed compassion for the lost and an eagerness to reach them. I spend most of my days surrounded by Christians. I am a campus minister so the bulk of my job is discipling and counseling believers. This is definitely part of our calling, to make disciples. However, I often lose touch with the other part of our calling, to go. I get pretty comfortable in my Christian bubble and rarely venture out. The last time I led someone to Christ was at a worship service on campus. So even in that instance the person was coming into my world rather than me reaching into theirs. As I have been mourning the loss of our baby girl and longing to see her face and hear her laugh God has struck my heart. It was as if he was telling me, “See how much your heart aches to be with your child. That is how I feel everyday when I watch my precious sons and daughters live life without me. That desperation to touch them, hear them laugh, and be in relationship with them is the pain I feel as I watch my children walk into eternity without me.” I got to see a glimpse of the Father’s heart for His babies. I have always seen God has Father but this was a new perspective. It broke my heart to think of how much He loves all of His children and how it must pain Him to not be in relationship with them. It made me want to bust my Christian bubble and get out there to help bring back my Fathers children.

In short, I am learning to release my all to God and just let Him have it. I am learning to keep my hands open and stop holding so tightly to my desires, even if they are from God. I am learning to cry out to Him every minute if necessary. I am learning to let God be for me what I can’t be for myself. I am learning to do what He asks us all to do, deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him. I am learning to just be still and know that He is God.

Finding Hope for the Future

Soon after we learned of our loss we began praying for direction for the future. We knew we wanted to try again but we wanted to be wise and listen to wise counsel. Our doctor suggested we wait one cycle before we try again but she said that was only for due date purposes. She assured us that she didn’t think there were any medical risks in trying again right away. She did caution us that since my cycle was off for the month it would be hard to pinpoint my fertile days so we shouldn’t get our hopes up.

We did just that. We tried again but didn’t get our hopes up too high because we knew that things were off for that month. I desired to get pregnant so badly. I knew that another baby wouldn’t replace Abigail or take away our pain but I knew it sure would help. I prayed so earnestly, so desperately for God to give us a child. I think I prayed harder for this than anything I’ve ever prayed for. I expressed the desire of my heart through tears, journaling, calling out to God, and reading and rereading the story of Hannah in I Samuel where she prays for God to give her Samuel.

That first month of trying after Abigail was when I was introduced to what many women trying to conceive call the dreaded two week wait. The two week wait is the time of the month when you are waiting to find out if you have conceived. My first encounter with the two week wait felt like it lasted a life time. I began scrutinizing every little feeling in my body. I kept wondering if the little twinge I felt was a pre-menstrual cramp or a pregnancy symptom. Because I was not necessarily waiting to see if we conceived when we were pregnant with Abigail I couldn’t remember exactly what it felt like. I knew I was tired, my chest was sore, I was a little nauseated, and my stomach didn’t feel quite right. Well I often feel most of those symptoms before getting my period each month as well so they were no great indicator.

I remember how painful it was the day I got my period that month. I had kept telling myself not to get my hopes up because the doctor said it would be hard to pinpoint the fertile days and it was probably best for my body to rest before carrying another baby. While I was very upset and sad I knew that it was best and that God was in control. I was able to recover quickly from the loss of that hope.

The next month was a completely different story. From the moment my period began I was charting days like never before. I read every article about conception and all the tips and tricks to conceive quickly. Well we put them all into practice. I just knew we were pregnant. In my mind there was no way we couldn’t be. We tried everything and I was just sure it had worked. For the next two weeks (the two week wait) I felt crazy. I analyzed every little thing in my body. I prayed that I would feel pregnancy symptoms so I would know if I was expecting or not. I begged and pleaded with God to give us a child, even though I knew at that point we either were or we weren’t. I dreaded the days leading up to when my period was due. I knew they would drag by and they did. The day I was due David and I were actually at a conference for my job so my mind was somewhat distracted as I had many responsibilities that weekend, but about every other thought was about a possible baby. I dreaded every trip to the bathroom fearing that my period might have started.

I prayed that God would give me strength to trust His promise that He will give us the desires of our heart as we are delighting in Him. I knew God was strong enough, powerful enough, and big enough to give us a baby and I saw no reason that He shouldn’t. I was still having a hard time surrendering to His timing. Two days went by and nothing. I was feeling pretty excited and hopeful because I am usually really regular, almost like clockwork, so to be two days late must mean something. We arrived back at our house on Saturday night and I just couldn’t wait to test in the morning. I didn’t sleep very well worrying about it and I woke up early and snuck away so Dave wouldn’t hear me. I tested and it said NOT PREGNANT. My heart sank. I wanted to cling to some hope but within minutes my period started. I was absolutely devastated. I am not sure I have ever cried that hard before. I slipped back into bed and Dave was awake. I knew he knew and I just broke down. He grabbed me and held me close. He stroked my hair and said, “It’s okay, it will be alright. We will have a baby in God’s timing.” I knew all those words were true. I admired his strength and great faith in that moment. I cried for almost 2 hours straight and he just held me. He got up and went to Sunday school but I had to do something about my puffy eyes so I caught up with him at church. I thought I would be just fine but the last praise and worship set was just too much. I burst into tears and got out quick. I went to the restroom to try to collect myself. When I came out Dave was standing there with one of the pastor’s wives who we actually knew from college. She prayed with me and soon her husband and Dave came to join us in the prayer room. She has one child and one on the way but experienced two miscarriages between her children so she was quite understanding. She was very comforting and it felt good to be with someone who knew what it was like to wait through those dreaded two weeks and then have all your hopes crushed at the end of it all. It was just so hard for me to understand how it was God’s timing for us to have a baby a few months ago but all the sudden it wasn’t His timing. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.

After a few days of recovery I determined that this month would be different. We would try of course but I prayed that God would help me not get so anxious and stressed about it. I actually felt pretty strong and confident that He would give me that peace and calm. We had learned so much through Abigail and the last two months of disappointment that I felt like I could really surrender this month. I felt like I was at a point I could really trust God with the outcome and be content. I felt all of that until the dreaded two week wait. The first week was fine. I was actually doing really well and I kept thanking God for the renewed sense of confidence in Him and the ability He was giving me to trust Him. Then the last week before my period was due rolled around and it was as if I had forgotten everything I had learned. Like all that God taught me just disappeared. I felt crazy again. I started analyzing everything and freaking out every time I felt a twinge or a cramp. I am certain I drove Dave crazy right along with me. I prayed so hard every morning that God would help me to trust Him and help me to relax. That He would give me the strength I needed for that day. I did feel a great sense of peace here and there but my anxieties kept creeping back in.

It was also a particularly stressful week in many ways regarding our jobs and our families. I knew that I was stressed which just make me more stressed. I became stressed about stress…it doesn’t get much worse than that. I was still 2 days away from the day my period was due so I was trying to trust God but not get my hopes set on a specific outcome. I struggled this month with how to trust God. Do I trust that your timing is perfect, do I trust that you will do what you know is best, do I trust that this desire is from you and you will give me the desires of my heart, do I trust the Scriptures that say I can approach the throne with boldness and have confidence that He will hear my prayers and answer, do I trust that I asked therefore I will have? God’s answer was YES! But somehow trusting in His perfect timing which might mean months from now and trusting that He will answer my prayer for a baby this month didn’t seem to work together.

He taught me a lot about prayer this month but I still have so much to learn. Two days out from the dreaded day I started my period. I had so hoped that what I learned from the previous two months would help but I was utterly devastated again. I spent most of the morning crying and praying and reading. I got mad. Then I got sad. Then I tried to be thankful and tried to see that God was in control and knew what He was doing.

As much as I didn’t want to I went into work and started my day. I walked into my boss’ office and we chatted for a bit. He asked me how I was doing and I barely got words out before the tears came rushing down my face. I hate that on top of an already emotional event I have to be extra emotional because of the time of the month. He, being a very gifted minister, was great. He listened well, cried with me, and offered some great reminders from Scripture. I felt like God used him to remind me of the truth and help me see past the pain. I am very grateful to the Father for my job and the people I work with. I get to help college students grow closer to Christ every day and I get to work in an environment that it’s not only okay to be real and honest about how you are feeling, it is encouraged and welcomed. It really is a great blessing.

I dreaded coming home and sharing the news with Dave even though I suspected he already knew as I had complained of feeling pre-menstrual symptoms all week. When I told him he was great again. He expressed his sadness and disappointment but remained encouraging and hopeful. I knew his heart was breaking too. That is actually one of the hardest pieces of all of this grief and monthly disappointments. I know how much Dave wants to be a daddy and it just kills me that our only baby (yet) is in heaven. I long to watch him father our children. He’s going to be an incredible daddy. My heart aches for the day I get to tell him good news, the greatest news. And my heart aches even more for the day that he gets to hold our baby in his arms. Waiting is so hard.

So here we are month 4 of trying since Abigail. I always feared we would be here but never thought we really would. I’m feeling far more confident in God’s promises this time. My heart still aches and every month it feels like we lost Abigail all over again but I know God is in control. I know He has a plan and I know we will have children. I just don’t know when and that’s the hardest part.

Remembering Abigail

Losing Abigail has been such a hard pain to deal with. I go throughout my day unsure if the person I’m interacting with knows of our story, of our baby who is in the arms of Christ. Part of me wants to shout it out for everyone to hear just so they know and so there is no more wondering. Part of me wants to speak of it only with those who I know understand and realize the deep loss. I go through my day finding it hard to be around other women who have newborns or are pregnant. I hate feeling that way. I hate having to distance myself from close friends during such a joyous occasion in their lives, but it is just too hard. It is too hard to watch my friends beam with excitement as they tell me about their pregnancies or their babies. I want so badly to be join in their joy, and while I am happy for them and so thankful for the health of their babies, I just can't put myself through that pain.

We have prayed for wisdom on how to deal with the void that Abigail left and God has given us several answers. I have a great friend that has suffered the loss of two children much farther along in pregnancy. In fact, she delivered both babies who were born to Heaven. I admired her strength then but now it seems more like a miracle than any doing of her own. Through her immense pain she has chosen to bring hope to others who have experienced similar losses. As soon as she heard of our miscarriage she e-mailed and told me she was going to attend a special event in my life that was set to take place 3 days after we found out about our loss. I was to be ordained to the ministry of the Gospel at our home church the Sunday after the miscarriage. My dear friend made the trip to our town and was there to support me, us, on that momentous day. She also brought with her a bag full of helpful and comforting resources on dealing with miscarriage and infant loss.

In this bag was a snowflake ornament that we put on our Christmas tree right at the top. It didn’t match the burgundy and gold color scheme as it was glittery white but I didn’t mind. It stuck out but I loved it. Every time I looked at the tree I thought of Abigail. Some days that brought joy and other days it brought deep sorrow.

Also in this bag was a glittery white butterfly ornament. I had already thought that the butterfly would be a great symbol to commemorate her life. I love 2 Corinthians 5:17 which says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” I have always thought butterflies depicted this transformation well. So we have a flower arrangement that sits in our office that we change seasonally but the piece that never changes is Abigail’s butterfly.

We also bought a wind chime with a beautiful butterfly on it and we hung it outside our bedroom window on our balcony. Every time the music plays I think of her. I think of her in the arms of Christ resting, praising Him, and enjoying His presence as He rejoices over her. I also think of what it would have been like to have continued to carry her, to see her on the ultra sound machine, to prepare for her, to buy her things, to hold her, to see her face, to rock her, to sing to her, to teach her about Jesus, to watch her daddy get wrapped around her finger, to hear her voice, and so many other things. I wonder if I will ever stop wondering what it would have been like to keep her. The same dear friend who brought us all of those comforting once said in her own blog that some days she feels like she has one foot here on Earth and one foot in Heaven. I definitely identify with that. There is a feeling that no matter what we do or even what comes next our family won’t really be complete until we are in Heaven.

On days that I feel like my arms are physically aching to hold her and it’s hard to make it through the day I start to think, “maybe it’s silly that I am hurting this much. I only had her for a few short weeks. There are so many others who have lost children much later in pregnancies or through their lives. Maybe I should be able to trust God more. Maybe I didn’t pray specifically or earnestly enough as we were trying or as soon as we found out.” My mind can spiral from all of those doubts and wonderings to all of my fears of the future.

In those desperate moments I have to remember the truth. I am hurting deeply because I love deeply. God created a life inside of me. She may have been very small and very young but she was still alive and she was still my baby. I have to fight the lies of the enemy that tell me that I should just get over it or blame myself or God for that matter. I have to fight his lies with the truth of Christ and His word which tells me that God is in control that He is working all things together for my good that He has good plans for me, that the desire for children is a holy one, and that He has never and will never let go.

God has used the short life of our baby girl to teach us so many things. I am sure I will go into more details on particular lessons in the future but one thing I want to share are the lessons He has taught us about grief. I’ve grieved before. I have gone through the steps. I have been in shock, denied, bargained, been angry, sad, and eventually accepted the loss. In fact I have been through that grief over losing my father when I was 18. I’m no stranger to grief, but God showed me something beautiful this time that I didn’t see in the past several losses I’ve endured. He showed me that He makes beauty of out ashes and that He wants us to face our pain and create something beautiful out of it.

I learned that I had to face the pain long enough to let it hurt; to let it sting so that I could see what God intended to teach me. I had to let beauty come from those ashes. I had to create something out of the pain. For me that took the form of writing, a lot of which you are reading right now and a lot of which are so tear stained that I’m not even sure what they say anymore. It took the form of music, dance, and nature for me. I sang a lot. I danced a lot. I enjoyed God through His creation.

For Dave it took different forms. Dave is very artistic and very good in my opinion. He has painted some beautiful things over the past few months as a release of his pain. He also wrote an incredibly sweet story titled Abigail’s Stocking. It is a children’s book that follows a family as they explain to their two children about the loss of their oldest sister who went to be with Jesus. It’s absolutely precious. He wrote it and illustrated it. I hope he will publish it one day. I think it would be helpful for families who have experienced a similar loss especially if they intend to explain it to their other children.

Our hope and our prayer is that through this pain and heart ache that God will be glorified. We pray that we will face the pain long enough to learn, to grow closer to Him and to each other. We pray that others will be pointed to Christ through our pain. We pray that beauty will come from these ashes.

Abigail

Our new found joy and excitement came to a screaming halt only a mere week later. It was a Friday and we both went to work as usual. I spent the morning visiting a lady in one of our ministry communities and then back on campus counseling a student. I took a restroom break as I had already started needing those more frequently when my heart skipped a beat. There was blood. I was scared, horrified, and hopeful at the same time. I began praying and pleading with God, “Please let this be something normal I don’t know about. Please don’t let this be what I think it is. Please protect this baby. Please don’t let this baby die. Please God, please, this can’t be happening.”

I raced out of the office telling one of our student workers that I had to leave and asked her to pray. Looking back, I’m sure I scared her to death. I ran to Wal-Mart to buy another pregnancy test just to make sure. I sped home, took the test, and got a positive reading. My heart was stilled for a moment. There was still blood and I started to cramp as well. I had read enough of the pregnancy books to know those weren’t good signs. I called the Doctor and explained to the nurse what had happened. There was silence for minute followed by a very concerned, “Oh, honey, you should come on in right now.” She was calm but it was easy to tell that she knew what was happening but didn’t want to say it either. My heart sank. I was still praying nonstop, pleading with the Lord to save this baby and to let this be some fluke.

I called Dave and tried to calmly tell him what was happening. He left school immediately and we drove to the Doctor. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my life. We were hopeful, trying to stay positive, and spouting off every medical thing we had read over the past week to try to explain what could be happening. It was too hard to think that it could be what our hearts feared the most.

We got right in to the Doctor and she asked several questions. She did an exam and a pregnancy test as well. She looked as us with much compassion and concern in her eyes and said, “We can’t be sure until we test your hormone levels again on Monday but I’m about 95% sure you are miscarrying.” It seemed like time stood still. I had only known this baby for a little more than a week but I had wanted her for a long, long time. I had prayed for her for years. I had labored over her with the Lord for the past several years, seeking His wisdom and perfect timing. I had already planned for her, already pictured her, already longed to hold her and teach her so many things. In that brief moment our lives changed forever.

The Doctor was great. She was very informative and very compassionate. She mourned with us and suggested we get some rest the weekend ahead. I was to come back that Monday for more tests. She said she presumed that my hormone levels would start dropping rapidly from this point on until they were back to normal. When we got back home I tested again and it said NOT PREGNANT. My hormone levels had already started dropping, I continued to bleed, and miscarried naturally.

Almost as quickly as she came she was gone. I have experienced loss before, quite a bit of it actually, but none hurt quite like this. I counsel people through grief daily but in that moment all my counseling classes and psychology knowledge made no sense. All I could do was cry. I hurled myself across our bed and buried my face in the covers. I’m not sure I have ever cried that hard. My body hurt I cried so much and so hard. Dave held me and cried with me. It hurt even more to hear his pain. He was so brave, so strong, and so good. He called our families and told them. I could overhear the conversations and every time he explained it his voice would weaken and he would begin to cry which made me cry all the more.

I couldn’t bear it. I begged God to change it, to fix it but I knew His changing and fixing wouldn’t come in bringing that baby back. She was already in His arms, already safe and sound in the splendor of heaven, already praising God in fullness. I cried out to God trying to understand. I was angry, sad, scared, and totally overwhelmed. It’s such a weird feeling to be simultaneously angry at God and so desperate for His touch. I knew God hadn’t done this to us. I knew that He would heal us, that He would get us through this, that He would even use it to draw us closer to each other and to Him, but in that moment it hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt.

My arms literally ached for her. My heart and womb felt so empty. I just wanted her back. I just wanted to rewind a few days and remember how joyous it was to have this incredible life inside of me. We couldn’t bear the thought of staying in our house that night so we drove first to share the news with a very close family friend, mentor, and co-laborer for the gospel. It was actually my boss and his wife. She was the only one home when we came to tell her but she held us and cried with us. We then drove an hour to stay with my mother. She grieved with us but provided a great source of comfort as well. It was good to be with her in that moment. We needed someone else to hold us up.

I spent that night in and out of sleep trying to forget the pain. Every time I would wake up I would think maybe it was just a bad dream, maybe it’s all okay. Then I would have to face the reality of the pain all over again. It was miserable. But even in the midst of that entire pain, confusion, and heart ache I felt God in a very real way.

The next day we shared the news with some very close friends and several of our church family. They all surrounded us with love, support, and prayers. We are truly grateful for the body of believers God has blessed us with. He provided peace and comfort through many of them.

I was actually being ordained that Sunday (only 3 days after we found out about the miscarriage) so we felt it necessary to share with our church family. I will share all of those details soon too as it was a very hard but precious day.

Over the next few days the realness of our situation began to sink it. We both took off 3 days from work to finish out the doctor visits and simply recuperate. I canceled all of my counseling meetings with students and simply focused on paperwork at work. I didn’t think I could be very present to the students when I was suffering so much inside.

One night that week only a few days after our baby went to be with the Lord I had a vision. I am still not certain if it was a vision or a dream but I am very confident it was from the Lord. It was very clear and very real. I saw Jesus holding our baby and it was a beautiful little girl (that’s why I have referred to “her”) She was absolutely gorgeous, just precious. He leaned over and showed her too me and spoke the name “Abigail.” That is all he said. The vision was short but so real. I woke up longing to hold that beautiful baby but comforted that she was resting in the arms of the one that was holding me too. That made me feels close to her.

We have had a possible baby name list for years but Abigail was not on the list. I have always liked that name but just had not considered it. I am always very interested in the meaning behind names and woke up eager to look up the meaning of Abigail. I was overwhelmed when I discovered it. It means, “The Father is Rejoicing.”

I was overcome with joy when I read it. I couldn’t wait to tell Dave that I got to see our baby and it was a girl and that God named her Abigail. It was incredible. God doesn’t usually speak to me through visions or dreams but I’m so glad He did this time. I will never forget what she looked like and the joy on His face as He held her.

The meaning of her name brought truth to our lives. I don’t understand it but I am in awe that the Father is simultaneously grieving and hurting with us as He is rejoicing over her. He is rejoicing because He has her and because He sees the big picture. He knows what He is going to do with this loss, pain, and devastation in our life. He sees the outcome. He sees how He will work it together for our good. The Father truly is rejoicing.